Not a little kid anymore

In less than 7 days my baby brother is going to be a husband. My brother may not be a baby brother, he is only 19 months younger than me, but in my eyes will always be the six year old that I would dress up for fun.

When he was six I forced him to let me dress him up as Santa. I took him in the bedroom, but red clothes on him, put a Santa hat on him, and took one of our dads socks and hooked it around his ears for the beard. I told him to go in the living room because everyone would love to see how cute he looked as Santa. So he walks out to the living room and everyone started awwing and laughing because he was so damn cute. Within seconds he was running back to the bedroom in tears. He thought that they were laughing at him in a mean way and it hurt his feelings really bad. So I talked to him and tried to make him feel better. After five minutes he was fine and went back out in the living room, sans sock beard, and pretended to be Santa. This is what I think of every time I think of my brother.

I was infatuated with my brother. I wanted to hang out with him all the time. What he did I wanted to do, where he went I wanted to go, and who he hang out with I attempted to tolerate. There were some people that he spend time with that I wanted to kick in the in-betweens because I thought they were taking advantage of my brother. I was the annoying older sister that had to make sure my brother was ok at all times. When my brother got older, and bigger than me, we started to clash. We would actually get in physical fights at times. No matter what though, that was my brother and I loved him. When I deserved an ass kicking he was the one to give it to me. When I needed support he would try to piss me off or make me laugh. Pissing me off would make me stop doing what I was getting made fun of for.

He had a few girlfriends in high school, and I hated every single one of them. None of them were worth his time or effort in my opinion. Six years ago he met his fiance. I knew her a few years before he met her, since we were in the same grade and had a lot of classes together. However, being a grade behind her he never really met her until after he graduated. I am not sure how since they had a nice sized group of mutual friends. They met at a mutual friends party and hit it off. When he brought her home for the first time to meet everyone I was so excited that he was with her. In my eyes she was perfect for him.  Total opposite of the past three girlfriends. I knew that they were going to last. I love being right.

Her and my brother were a perfect match. They both complimented each other. It didn't hurt that she loved my son and my son loved her. My brother told me about a year after they got together, when everyone was asking if/when he was going to propose, that when they got together she said she wanted a guy to wait three years before he popped the question. You can't say stuff like that to my brother and him not take it serious. When three years rolled around and he hadn't asked her to marry him yet every one was getting antsy. We knew it was going to happen, just didn't know how long we would have to wait. My brother was in school and wanted to wait until he had his degree and was able to take care of her financially. I went with him (read: begged him to take me) me he went to pick out the promise ring he bought her. When the commercials say "He went to Jared" by damn he went to Jared! He used their birthstones as the rocks on this beautiful ring.

While I was still in Arizona my mom had gotten on facebook and had seen that my brother finally proposed to his girlfriend. I was hurt cause I couldn't be there when it happened, but I was so damn happy that it finally did. My brother had proposed to the girl I couldn't wait to have as a sister in law.

I knew the day was coming for the wedding, but it didn't become real until I got the wedding invitation in the mail. That was when it hit me that my baby brother was not a little kid anymore. He was a man about to embark on the journey to family man. I will admit, I got a little choked up when I opened the wedding invitation. As the day gets closer it gets harder to talk about it without choking up. I know, 100% positive, that I am going to bawl like a baby as I watch my brother marry this amazing girl and go from fiance's to husband and wife. I'm going to have to take a TON of pictures so I remember the parts I cried through. They are getting married about 2 1/2 hours NE of where we live and it is supposed to be amazingly beautiful there. This place is famous for its outdoor weddings. I am so happy for my brother and sister-in-law. 

Plenty of Fish my big toe!

How is a single mom who doesn't have a social life supposed to meet guys? I live, almost literally, behind a bar but you will never catch me there. The single guys that go into bars to meet women are there to meet them for the exact reasons I don't want to meet them. I have yet to find a cute guy that isn't gay, married, or in a committed relationship out at the store. All, those tv shows that talk about meeting their soul mate while trying to decided if this fat green thing is really a cucumber or a zucchini lied to me. I have never met anyone at Church that wasn't already married of engaged. Apparently Church's are full of married couples and the single people are nonexistent. The guys at the club play way to much game when they, in reality, have none. I go to every scout function my son has in hopes of running into a single dad. No such luck there either! I don't want to date any of the single guys my friends know. Those guys really are single for a reason.

So, that pretty much leave dating sites.... The ones that are worthwhile cost way more money than this single mom can afford. That leaves me with free dating sites. They are free for a reason. They produce more boys looking for a booty call than they do men who are serious about finding that possible "One." I am a single mom going to college, I want the "One." If I wanted a booty call I would walk my happy butt the 80 feet to the bar.

Then you have to hope that the guy(s) you do connect with on there aren't weirdo's if you decide to actually meet them. I have discovered a trick that weeds out the ones that want to put in the time and effort. By the way, still looking for a guy that wants to put in the time and effort. I tell them that I will not get in bed with a guy until we are in a committed relationship together. They drop like flies when they hear that one. Also, being a single mom that goes to college full time and has no car after 4pm tends to put a damper on things as well. If you are willing to talk to me through email/text/phone calls long enough for me to see a reason behind hiring a babysitter for a few hours then we will meet up. Until then, we only talk electronically.

I have also noticed that because I am going to school for Criminal Justice and want to go back for Psychology and Sociology that guys think I am more mature than I really am. You put me in a toy section with toys that say "try me" you can bet your happy behind I will "try" every single one of them! Its not that I am more mature, its just that I know now, after a few bad apples, what I do and do not want in my life or around my son. I can be as immature as my son if the situation calls for it. Yet, my carer goals make guys run for the hills.

Maybe I will just wait until my son hits college. There has to be a few guys my age that are divorced by then!

Do we really need OT Therapy?

Today my son went for an evaluation at Children's for OT (occupational therapy) to see if he would need it or not. I, for the life of me, could not see why he would need OT. We got there and the lady asked me a few questions, she talked to my son, and I filled out a survey type thing. The lady had my son write out his name to see what his handwriting was like, its horrible by the way, and checked his balance and a few other things.

I kind of thought this whole thing was to give my son some coping skills for his ADHD and ODD. I didn't think that he needed help with fine motor skills or anything else like that. At the end of the meeting the lady said that my son could benefit from more appointments, once a week at first then bi-monthly. They could help him with his handwriting and strengthening his core, he was a little weak in the stomach and back with a few of the things that she was having him do. She had mentioned that there were a few sensory things that could be dealt with. My son picks his fingernails down to the quick and is sensitive to bright lights and loud sounds. But I never thought that was considered a 'sensory' thing and needed therapy to work on it. So I guess we will see how this works as the appointments progress.

This whole thing is new for me and I am, I guess you could say, in denial a little bit. Since my son was 5 I have always had a feeling that there was something up with my son that needed to be looked into and I had him tested a few years back by an old pediatrician. The old pediatrician said that my son was ADHD and wanted to put him on medication, but I thought my son acted like that because of what he had gone through with moving to a shelter. So I walked out of the office and didn't talk about it ever again. Now, part of me wonders if I had accepted the diagnoses back then if things would be better now. Still after accepting the diagnoses I have a hard time seeing my son as hyper-active. I guess that is normal though. No mother wants to hear that her child is getting diagnosed with something or have their child put on medication.

I have noticed that he eats way less than he ever did and he never had a big appetite anyways. He is more emotional than he used to be, he is brought to tears over things that never affected him that way before. He goes from not being hungry to being so hungry he feels like he is about to get sick in less than a second. He has a hard time falling asleep at night now and wakes up with the sun, so he is getting only 6 hours of sleep and night and for being only 8 he needs 4-5 more hours than he has been getting the past two nights. I started a notebook to keep notes on this stuff so I can bring it up the next time he sees the lady that prescribed the medication (I forget her job title).

Even though I still have my concerns my son is happier that he can concentrate and do better in school. He hated school until two days ago and now he loves it because he is the type of student he always wanted to be and he isn't getting in trouble all the time. I talked to his principal today when I picked him up and talked to her about what is going on. She is happy that he is getting the help he needs, but she is not happy about how much school my son is going to be missing with coming in late when he has morning appointments and leaving early for afternoon appointments. That is something I am concerned about too so I am going to try to schedule all the afternoon appointments as close to the end of the school day as I can. Today he ended up missing the last two hours of school so he missed 1/3 of the school day.

On a happy, less stressful note, my son is doing better in school, so far, since he started the medication yesterday and has gotten his first ever A+ in school. I am excited, curious, and anxious to see what the future holds for me and my son.

Today was a good day.

Today was day one of my son taking the Concerta. I didn't see any change before he left for school and I haven't seen a change since he got home, but he has been home for 20 minutes. I asked his teacher when I picked him up if there were any positive/negative changes in how my son acted today and she said he had a really good day today. He got a lot of his math work finished, he raised his hand a lot in class, and when working out of their workbook my sons workbook got shown on the board a few times today. His English teacher said he did really good today. I didn't see his history/science teacher today so I am not sure how he did in that class.

My son told me that he had a great day today and it was so fun and easy to concentrate. He didn't get asked to try again or told that he was doing the problems wrong. I asked him if part of the problem before was that he was fighting with himself to concentrate because it was hard and he told me that the fight with himself doesn't happen anymore.

Now that he has been home for an hour *many breaks had to be taken because of my son* and he is tired beyond belief and crying over the fact that I didn't hear an 'S' while I was quizzing him on his spelling words. I know he had a hard time falling asleep last night, took him almost two hours after going to be to fall asleep, and I had a hard time waking him up this morning. He hates laying down and resting, only babies do that, so trying to get him to just lay on the couch and rest for 20 minutes is such a fight because he has something he wants to do and I am keeping him from it.

I was told it would be unsure as to whether or not this medication to help his ADHD will make his ODD better or worse, but I am hoping better. I was told that at times the medication could make him more aggressive. I really can't deal with more aggression than I have been getting. I cannot wait until something is found to help out with the ODD and to stop the aggression and the violence. This medication is on a two week trial period so I am hoping it helps my son. Helping my son will help me keep my sanity. Mommy needs her sanity!

Rock, meet Hard Place

     My son has been seeing a social worker for just over a month now because he has anger issues and gets very violent with me. Talking to his social worker has been helping and he has had less episodes than normal. His "episodes" as I call them are when he gets so angry he starts to intentionally hurt me. They were not constant and at times would only happen once a month. I wanted to get everything taken care of before he got big enough and old enough to seriously hurt me, which he is getting very close to. Yesterday he saw someone about possibly putting him on medication. We talked to this lady for an hour and she asked me questions and looked over the notes that his social worker kept from our meetings. She informs me that my son has ADHA (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) and  ODD (opposition defiance disorder) and she recommended Ritalin and Concerta.
     I have mixed feelings about putting my eight year old on medication. I was on medication, off and on, since I was 16 and there were times where I really felt like an empty shell of my self, a zombie if you must. Maybe that is why there will be a zombie apocalypse.. all these people on medication that takes away their spirit and energy. So I decided to look up holistic ways to treat the ADHD and ODD without the use of medication. Every single website I looked at pretty much just said to make a change in diet. The exact same change in diet that they recommend for anything and everything that is wrong with a person. Can our foods really be this bad that it is jacking up the chemicals in every single persons body? Are those people that are Vegans, Vegetarians, or only eat organic suffering with these issues or are they on to something? Every page also said that they change in diet has not been proven to work for treatments of ADHD.
     I have always sworn that no child of mine would ever feel the way I felt when I was on medications. I don't know what to do. Do I let my son try these medications and see if they work? Do I try to get my son to make the diet changes the websites recommended? Do I ask my son which he would prefer to do knowing that he hates almost everything that was recommended to be eaten? My ex-husband does not want our son to take ANY medication until a Psychiatrist sits down with my son and verifies the diagnosis that my son was given. I respect his feelings, but he sees his son only 2 days a month and does not see or deal with what I see and deal with every single day living with my son. I have always known that there is something wrong with my son, but I never knew what it was. Now that a label has been placed I feel like I am in a bit of denial about the entire situation. I do not ever want my son to lose his spirit, I would just wish that it was toned down and under control. If I do put him on this medication I will be carefully watching him at all times and if I ever feel that he is losing that spark that makes him the most amazing eight year old I know then I am stopping the medication or they must find something else.
     How would all of you handle this situation if it was you? How have you handled a situation like this?