P.S. I love you.

My entire life I have struggled with anger, depression, anxiety, self hate, and at times suicidal thoughts. I grew up thinking I wasn't good enough, that I would never amount to anything, and that the world would be a better place without me. I thought it was my fault that my aunts, grandma, and people in school didn't like me and told me the nasty horrible things they would tell me. In the picture above I have been called the following:

ugly

stupid

worthless

lesbian

bitch

freak

loser

nerd

annoying

dumbass

cunt

fat

brat

whore

and slut

Surprisingly it was an equal amount from my peers and from my family. For as long as I can remember I was told these things and that made me hate myself. I became a very angry child. I acted out and I started giving up. If people really thought this way about me then why should I care about myself? I was young. I didn't know. 

I remember the first over night camp I went to in 4th grade was the first time I was called a lesbian (I have talked about this in a past blog I think) because I refused to shower with the other girls. That apparently meant that I was a lesbian and was trying to hide something. I got called dyke in high school, and had a lunch box thrown at my head by someone I considered a friend, because I wore baggy clothes and kept my hair very short. I dressed like that because it was easier than waking up earlier and spending more time on how I looked. 

I have been called fat since 5th grade. I would have the kids in my complex refuse to let me play with them because "the hippo was going to break everything." I was told that no guy would ever find me attractive because I was too fat for any guy to love. Even at 30 part of me still believes this even though I know it isn't true. Family has told me I am fat. I had one aunt pretend there was an earthquake every time I would walk into the room. I would refuse to eat for an entire day because I thought starving myself was going to help. Even now I have that thought pop into my head. If I don't eat then there is nothing to turn into fat.
An ex boyfriend of mine would go out of his way to tell me he could, at any moment, get a girl that was thinner, prettier, and better than me. He would tell me that I was lucky to be with someone like me because no one else would love me. He would flirt with more attractive girls in front of me then tell me to get over myself. He seemed to enjoy making me cry and feel worthless. The more worthless I felt the better he felt. I still don't know why I stayed as long as I did. 

Then about 4 years ago something changed. I got away from the negative people and for the first time in my life I began to get to know myself and really love who I am. Fat rolls and all. I could look in the mirror and not see an ugly person that needed to hide behind makeup. I saw someone that can and will be loved. I cried when I saw that. It all stemmed from an assignment that me and the women in the shelter I was at had to to. I remember standing in front of the mirror, surrounded by the other women, taking a good hard look at myself trying to think of something positive to say to myself. I started crying and at first I didn't know why. Then one of the ladies told me it was ok, breath, and say what I needed to say to myself. I looked at my reflection in the mirror and said "I'm beautiful." That was the first time in my entire life that I have ever said that about myself. My shoulders began to feel light. I stood taller. I could breath. I never knew how much the words from my past had been holding me back and weighing me down. I was beautiful. I finally loved myself. I never thought that would ever happen. 

It's been about 4 years since this assignment was done. I struggle every once in a while with remembering what I learned that night, but it is something that will never leave me. I stayed away from guys for the past 4 years because I still had a small fear that they would judge me for how I looked and not who I was. I still struggle with accepting my weight, but it is so much easier to see that I am beautiful than it was before. I just met an amazing guy but my own personal fears and struggles almost kept that from happening. On my way to his house for the first time I was shaking, almost in tears, convinced that when he saw me (even though we had gotten to know each other on the phone for weeks) he was going to walk away or ignore me after he saw me. Then the closer I got to his house I remembered something. I am beautiful. He already knows me even if he hasn't seen me.
I do my best to make sure the people around me know how beautiful and loved they are because you never know who is silently struggling with themselves or secretly wishing they were dead. I want them to remember "I love you." There are people out there that love you, care about you, want the best for you. They are just harder to see through the negative people that hate themselves so much they feel the need to drag you to hell with them. Stand up tall. Stand proud. Cut lose the things that weight you down. You are amazing. You are beautiful. You are loved.