Another year has come and gone.
My youngest child is now an official pre-teen.
It has also been two years since I have heard from her parents, received a letter, or pictures.
When I first decided to place my daughter I was in a very bad spot in my life. I wanted her to have a better life than I was ever going to be able to give her.
Then I met her parents, just hours before I went into labor.
I fell in love with them instantly.
I knew they would be able to give her what I wanted for her.
Things clicked so easily.
But, as the years went on I noticed that what they promised for me was not what they were giving me.
I was young and didn't know better, but looking back, I wish I had gotten everything we talked about in writing.
For the first year of her life, since they chance so much in those first 12 months, I was to receive pictures, at least, every other month. Which they did and I am forever grateful for that.
After the first year I was to receive pictures twice a year. That only happened once a year. Which was fine. I was still getting pictures and a nice letter from them telling me what she liked, how she was doing in school, etc.
Then, we talked about me getting to see her once she got old enough she wouldn't be confused by meeting me. However, every time I brought it up they would say "We aren't ready for that yet."
She is 12 now, and from what they have told me in the past, she knows she is adopted, and will even tell people she was born in Ohio.
For 10 years, until they cut off all communication two years ago, I was still having to contact the lawyer that helped me with the adoption to send the parents and my daughter letters, pictures, or to even ask if they knew when I was getting my pictures from them.
The lawyer and her assistants even started to wonder why, after 8-10 years, I was still having to contact them just to talk to my daughters parents.
That's when everything changed.
The lawyer told them that they had to start contacting me directly, that it had been long enough with using them as the go-between. I was the only birth mom, that after 8-10 years, still wasn't directly talking to the adoptive parents. She gave them my email and my phone number. No one has heard from them since then.
I don't understand why they would cut off contact with me. It's not like I plan on taking my daughter back. I'm not evil. She doesn't know me. To her I am just the woman that gave birth to her.
I just want to know my daughter and make sure she knows that I did this out of love. If I had been able to keep her and give her the life she deserved, bet your ass I would have.
I've done nothing to make her parents feel like they couldn't trust me, talk to me, keep me in the loop. Nothing.
This was supposed to be an open adoption and they have kept that from me. And I don't know why.
If I had known they would do this to me I might have chosen differently.
I just keep reminding myself that I only have 6 years before I can look for her, legally, and hopefully get to know my daughter.
I think about her every day.
Every single day.
I wonder what she looks like.
I wonder if she takes after me.
I wonder if she knows that she was never not wanted.
I wonder if she wants a relationship with me and/or the rest of her biological family.