I am not a fan of being single, but there are days that I really hate it. Those days tend to come around more when I see brides and their entourages walking around the town I live in. I just happen to live in the BIGGEST bridal town in the entire state of Ohio, and possibly North America. I can drive two blocks down the street and get smacked in the face with wedding dresses, bakeries, tuxedo shops, lingerie, and car service companies. I can be minding my own business and not thinking about being single, then I get stuck at a red light and become surrounded by shops with beautiful wedding dresses in the windows and brides walking into the shops for their fittings.
I put on this front that I am happy being single, that it doesn't bother me that everyone around me is in a relationship. It really does bother me. I have not been in a relationship for three and a half years. Its not like this is something new. However, there are days where I just feel lonely. I miss having that one guy I know I can depend on. I miss knowing I have a shoulder to cry on when I need it. I miss feeling protected and loved (although that was rare even when I was in a relationship). I miss feeling like I am worth being with.
I can't bring myself to actually start dating again though. I have built up such strong and tall walls after my last two relationships ended. My ex husband was never there for me emotionally and my ex boyfriend was emotionally and verbally abusive. I don't trust guys right now. However, I opened myself up twice about two and a half years ago. That was big for me. One of the guys I was interested in just saw me as a friend. It, most likely, didn't help that I was 26 and he was 19. He is adorable and he made me laugh every time I talked to him; I am happy that I can still call him a friend as well. The second guy was 21 and I worked with him. He knew I liked him as well. He agreed to go to a ball game with me, but as soon I left the job we worked at he pretended like he didn't know me. Not something that helps me break down those walls.
Now that I am going to school again I see guys that I find attractive and would love to get to know, but there is always something keeping me from even attempting to talk to them. Most of the time it is myself keeping me from talking to them. It is doubt. A few things are constantly going through my head: Will they judge me on my weight? Would it bother them that I am divorced? Will they run away when they find out I have a son? Will I say something that makes me sound like a jack ass?
I am only 29 (in two months) so its not really a big deal that I am single, I have plenty of life ahead of me to find someone. However, I want to add to my family. I want another kid. I have also set a limit for myself. I do not want to have another kid after I hit a certain age. Maybe its because I set an expiration date on when I want to have a kid that is making it harder for me to find a relationship. They always say that love finds you when you stop looking for it. I have stopped looking for it, but I think about it. Can thinking about it make it as hard to find as searching for it can? Have I set myself up for failure? Will my luck make it to where I will find love after I hit that age where it is too late for me to want another kid? Am I just thinking to much about everything? Is it normal to feel this much doubt about finding love when its been years since I have been in a relationship?
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