Paper gives me anxiety

A little over a month ago I saw my favorite YouTuber (the only one I like really) introduce a new weekly segment (here) called Wreck This Journal-Wreck it Wednesdays. She had a journal that was made to be destroyed, literally. I loved watching what she came up with and knew I wanted the journal as well.

So, I waited until I had the money to order the journal and thought about everything I wanted to do with the pages I already knew were in there. I figured the journal would be like self therapy for me. Growing up I never felt like I had control over my life, or what was happening around me, so I because OCD with the one thing I knew I could control.

Paper.

I had to have my papers perfect. They could not be creased, ripped, stained... anything. If someone else wrote on my paper I had to rewrite the entire thing. I would irritate my mom and my teachers over this. When I was 17 or so I had a case worker for therapy and she found out about my issue with paper and would have me do a written assignment every week. When I would hand her my work she would crumple the paper and hand it back to me. The goal was to see how long it took before I tried to fix the paper. Every time I would try to fix it she would take it and crumple it again. It pissed me off so bad. I finally decided to pretend it didn't bother me so she would stop doing it. For a little while I thought I was fine. I could have messed up papers and deal with it. But, as soon as someone else wrote on my paper I would flip out. I would get such bad anxiety and shake until my paper was perfect again.

Then I saw Bunny with her journal and talk about how she has struggles with the journal because of her own personal quirks. I figured, if she can do it I can too. So I placed my order for the journal and waited until delivery.

I hear the mailman out in the hall so I get out there just in time to see him bending my package (with the book) in half to jam it in my ridiculously small apartment mailbox. I got it from him before he got it in the box and brought it inside. I take it out of the envelope and the cover is creased. I instantly start feeling anxiety and trembles in my hand.

You can see the small crease (top center)

If I can't handle a small crease on the cover how in the hell am I going to manage to do what the journal is asking me to do? I open it up to my first page, journal can be done in any order you want to do it, which was to break the spine. That was so damn hard for me to do. I grew up with avid readers, my parents, and my dad was very "Don't bend the spine of my book or I will be pissed as hell" so I never liked my books being that way. It irritates me when I borrow a book with a broken spine. I opened the book, turned it page side down, and stepped down on the book to break the spine. I survived!

The next page I chose was to write the same one word over and over again. I couldn't think of a single word except "oink." Really? Oink? That is the word that came to mind first?

 

This one wasn't too bad. There are a few spots that irritate me. Just because my handwriting is off. 

One thing I am noticing. As I continue to do a page, the next page isn't as hard. I really hope this journal does what I intended it to do. If you have anxiety like me it may just help you. Or you can just do it for fun!

I'm going to post the link to get your own journal right about NOW so you can enjoy this as well!! Also, a few more pictures of the pages I have done so far. 

This one was so ridiculously fun. Made me happy. 

I think I may add to this one as I go through the journal

Don't like this one too much but eh. I can add to it later!

Warning, medicine makes your child exorcise demons.

I know motherhood isn't easy. I never expected to be. I babysat growing up and saw how down right demonic children could get when they didn't get their way. But I was never prepared for the straight hell on your soul it is when trying to give your child their medication.

If the medicine tastes good then there are no problems. My mom used to hide the pink amoxicilin from me because it tasted like gum and I would drink the liquid form like there was no tomorrow and eat the chew-able form like it was candy. If the medicine tastes like ass your child starts to act like they are exorcising demons from the very depth of their soul.

My son is great if the medicine has a flavor he appreciates but God forbid I try to make him take a bad tasting medicine. I have to full on tackle him and hold his arms down, while holding his head still, keep him from kicking me, and down the hatch the medicine goes. BUT!! Then you have to make sure they don't spit that shit all over their face or yours. I need 5 more arms to accomplish this.

Granted, I haven't had to do this in a while because he can swallow pills. Yet, there are the medications that they only give a child in liquid form. Currently, my son has to take this very citrus smelling, white, thick, sticky medicine because he has an infection in both paratoid glands by his ears. He has to take 2tsp, twice a day, for three weeks. I go to give him a dose, in the stupid syringe type thing, and I get 1/2 a tsp in his mouth when he jerks back, slaps his hands to his mouth, and starts acting like he is about to blow chunks all over the kitchen. Then the crying like I am trying to poison him starts. I still have 1 1/2tsp to get in him.

Getting the rest of his medicine in him required threatening to take things away, fighting the urge to tell him to 'man up', and finally going with "squeeze my hand until your done." All of this was followed with a quick run to the bathroom like he, again, needed to exorcise the demons out of his body.

I don't remember throwing fits like this when it came to taking medicine. Maybe I just blocked that part of my childhood out of my memory, or it never happened, but seriously. What the hell! When are kids going to come with a warning label!