Tiana's World: Paper gives me anxiety

A little over a month ago I saw my favorite YouTuber (the only one I like really) introduce a new weekly segment (here) called Wreck This Journal-Wreck it Wednesdays. She had a journal that was made to be destroyed, literally. I loved watching what she came up with and knew I wanted the journal as well.

So, I waited until I had the money to order the journal and thought about everything I wanted to do with the pages I already knew were in there. I figured the journal would be like self therapy for me. Growing up I never felt like I had control over my life, or what was happening around me, so I because OCD with the one thing I knew I could control.

Paper.

I had to have my papers perfect. They could not be creased, ripped, stained... anything. If someone else wrote on my paper I had to rewrite the entire thing. I would irritate my mom and my teachers over this. When I was 17 or so I had a case worker for therapy and she found out about my issue with paper and would have me do a written assignment every week. When I would hand her my work she would crumple the paper and hand it back to me. The goal was to see how long it took before I tried to fix the paper. Every time I would try to fix it she would take it and crumple it again. It pissed me off so bad. I finally decided to pretend it didn't bother me so she would stop doing it. For a little while I thought I was fine. I could have messed up papers and deal with it. But, as soon as someone else wrote on my paper I would flip out. I would get such bad anxiety and shake until my paper was perfect again.

Then I saw Bunny with her journal and talk about how she has struggles with the journal because of her own personal quirks. I figured, if she can do it I can too. So I placed my order for the journal and waited until delivery.

I hear the mailman out in the hall so I get out there just in time to see him bending my package (with the book) in half to jam it in my ridiculously small apartment mailbox. I got it from him before he got it in the box and brought it inside. I take it out of the envelope and the cover is creased. I instantly start feeling anxiety and trembles in my hand.

You can see the small crease (top center)

If I can't handle a small crease on the cover how in the hell am I going to manage to do what the journal is asking me to do? I open it up to my first page, journal can be done in any order you want to do it, which was to break the spine. That was so damn hard for me to do. I grew up with avid readers, my parents, and my dad was very "Don't bend the spine of my book or I will be pissed as hell" so I never liked my books being that way. It irritates me when I borrow a book with a broken spine. I opened the book, turned it page side down, and stepped down on the book to break the spine. I survived!

The next page I chose was to write the same one word over and over again. I couldn't think of a single word except "oink." Really? Oink? That is the word that came to mind first?

This one wasn't too bad. There are a few spots that irritate me. Just because my handwriting is off.

One thing I am noticing. As I continue to do a page, the next page isn't as hard. I really hope this journal does what I intended it to do. If you have anxiety like me it may just help you. Or you can just do it for fun!

I'm going to post the link to get your own journal right about NOW so you can enjoy this as well!! Also, a few more pictures of the pages I have done so far.