Everyone should have to fill one of these out

I am considering getting back in the dating game. So that put me on the quest to make a dating application. Any guys that wants to date me is going to have to fill it out. I am going to share it with all of you so that you may use it also if you would like. Here we go!!

Who you are applying to date

DATING APPLICATION

- Do you have a problem with the fact that I already have a child in grade school? If yes then don't bother filling out any of these other questions.

-Do you have any illegitimate children? (This will not disqualify you as a potential mate- though, not knowing your children's name, ages, or when the child support payment is due- is grounds for immediate dismissal.)

-Do you have any Baby Mama Drama? Please Explain.

-Do you have any borderline insane ex-girlfriends that will continue to pop up and cause drama of catastrophic proportions throughout our relationship?

-What about general skeletons in your emotional closet that are just waiting for the perfect time to show themselves?

-Are you dragging invisible baggage behind you that will threaten to smother me at my most venerable.

-Do you know the difference between there, their, and they're?

-Does your phone automatically stop working as soon as you cross state lines? Especially when you cross said lines with your male friends.

-Are you allergic to expressing any and all emotion? Is it cool if I have emotions?

-Are you of the special breed of drunk that believes that if you don't remember it, it didn't happen?

-Are you planning on ceasing all grooming and efforts towards your appearance the second we are in a relationship? This includes, but is not limited to: gaining excess amounts of weight, infrequent bathing, and refusing to wash clothing unless they emit noxious odor.

-Have you ever been fired for drinking on the job?

-Have you ever been incarcerated. If so, how many times and for what duration?

-Do you habitually pick fights with buffer/large groups of men?

-Do you have to wake up before 9:00?

-Do you think my friends are cute and angelic? Do you still think my friends are adorable when they are in large groups and drinking? You are required to like them and be a sweetheart to them at all times or suffer the consequences. And they will be dire. Is that okay?

-This also applies for my family. Hope ya don't mind.

-My ears are very sensitive and I surely cannot listen to music that is not exceptionally enjoyable for me. Will that be a problem?

-If we get into a fight do you have friends that will talk smack about me and try to convince you to leave me just to try and get you to sleep with someone else?

-Have you ever cheated on someone you are with? If so, did you tell them or keep it to yourself?

-Do you fancy yourself God;s gift to women? If yes, please explain.

-If I ask you if I look fat in something with you say the truth or what I want to hear?

-What is your favorite domesticated animal? Give me three reasons why.

-If you were on a deserted beach give me three emotions you would feel.

-What is your favorite food? Give me three reasons why.

-How many states are the in the USA?

-Did you graduate High School? If not, do you have your GED?

Multiple Choice
We are in a relationship. It is our one year anniversary.  Your plans include:
a) dinner out, flowers, wine... typical romantic, yet boring and unoriginal shit
b) surprising me with an all-inclusive trip to some faraway, exotic trip. Bonus points if the destination is anywhere that requires more than 9 vaccinations to leave the country.
c) getting drunk with your friends, coming home and passing out on me. Again.
d) Plans?  What plans?  What day is it?  WHERE AM I???

You are out with your friends, and some hot slut throws herself at you mercilessly.  You:
a) flirt back with her shamelessly; even though you won't take it any further than that, your poor self esteem needs the validation of attention from someone else
b) smile politely, tell her that you're flattered, but have a girlfriend... then make a hasty exit
c) tell her to meet you out behind the bar for a quickie.  Hey, if you use a condom, it doesn't count, right?
d) tell her that salvation is hers only through a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, then ask to see her boobs

It's been a few days since you've seen me, and you miss me.  You:
a) send me a text saying "Can't wait to see your gorgeous face!"
b) send me flowers at work with a note that says "Can't wait to see your gorgeous face!"
c) send me a picture message of your junk, saying "Can't wait to shove this in your face!"
d) hit the Internet for a few hours of porn.  It'll have to do until you can get the real thing.

Essay (use separate page for each)
In exactly ten words, tell me why you would make an excellent boyfriend.

What are your short term and long term goals in life and relationships?

In your own words, explain to me what you think the fundamental differences are between men and women.