Some dreams don't come true

I have known I wanted to be a mom since I was 9 years old, but I never saw myself as a single mother. Every time I pictured my future I saw the same thing. I was married by 20 and had my first child by the time I was 21. My second child would come when I was 23 and my third to follow when I was 25. My husband and I would both be college graduates and holding strong, meaningful jobs that we loved. We would be living in a 3 story house with 5 bedroom and 2 1/2baths. We would have a nice chuck of land, an acre or two with a fence going around the entire perimeter of the property, a garage with an "in-laws" apartment over it for when we needed help, and two Saint Bernard dogs. Every summer we would take 2 weeks for vacation, making a point to go to a different state every time. We would always do something romantic for each other on our anniversary and we would renew our vows on our 25th. Our kids would be good students and have after school activities they were involved in. We would go to Church every Sunday and our kids would be raised to know that sex is something to save until you have met that one person you were going to spend your life with. We would have family dinners every night and when my kids were old enough to help out in the kitchen they would help cook the meal. They would go to college and follow their dreams as far as they could go.

So far, my life is turning out nothing like I had hoped and imagined. I got pregnant with my son when I was 19. His dad and I hadn't even been a couple for a full 24 hours. I hoped that I could still have my dream even though it was ahead of schedule. I became a single mother three months before my son was born and I didn't hear from his dad until he was three weeks old. From there it was so sporadic but I always got back into a relationship with my sons dad when he did come back into our lives.

When my son was three months old I got pregnant by a guy I was seeing and ended up losing that baby three months into the pregnancy. Three months after that I got pregnant by a guy I was working with. I went full term with this pregnancy and had decided 7 weeks before the baby was born that I was going to chose adoption. The babies dad had already decided from day one of finding out that he was not the father and refused to accept the fact that I was pregnant. I never heard from him after calling to tell him I was pregnant.

I was still going back and forth with my sons dad until our son was four. When our son was four his dad and I got married. I thought I was finally working towards my dream future, but three weeks later is crashed down around my feet. My husband was talking to another girl. A girl he had never met in person, but he started telling her that he loved her and I heard it less and less each day. He finally moved out and moved to where she was from to be with her.

I started seeing someone else a few months later and I thought I would get my dream future again. I was wrong. Again. This guy was verbally and emotionally abusive, he was jealous of my son, he was controlling, he was a drunk, he broke up with me three times a week, and he was never affectionate towards me. During one of our "breakups" my husband moved back and said he wanted to fix our marriage. So I gave it another shot. It lasted three weeks and he met another girl he wanted to be with, so I decided to fix things with the boyfriend. That didn't get any better.

Eighteen months with my boyfriend I was finally starting to see that I was in an abusive relationship and I wanted out. I decided to move out of state to live with an aunt and go to college. I never expected my aunt to be worse. After a year with her I became homeless and was living in domestic violence shelters. Seven and a half months in DV shelters my dad told me to come home and I have been living with my dad since then.

It is now 10 years later and I still have not made my dream future a reality. I am scared to put myself out there because of how my ex husband and boyfriend treated me. I have trust issues and automatically assume that guys only want to hurt me. The good news is

I know I still have time to make my dream a reality. Even if it is a new dream.