Is it really that time again?

Is it really February again?
I mean, could it really, honestly and truly, be February again?
Why does this month have to keep showing up.
Every single year.
Like clock work.
To remind me of the single hardest thing I have ever had to do.
Losing custody of my son for six long years was hard, painful, agonizing, and torture. But, I got him back.
This, there is no "getting back".
There is only waiting.


And waiting some more.

I have been pretty patient too. It's been 10 years (well, it will be 10 years in 3 weeks) since I placed my youngest child with her parents. Ten years since I had to say good-bye. Ten years of pictures and a short letter telling me a quick little update on how she is doing, what she likes, and what she does outside of school. Ten years of having to call the adoption lawyer to see if this is the year that they are comfortable with emailing me directly so I don't have to keep going through the lawyer to have contact with them. Ten years of being told "No, they still are not comfortable with that yet."
It's been 10 years. I am not changing my mind and taking her away from them. I just want what was promised to me.
Contact.
For an open adoption it feels pretty damned closed to me.
I told them I wanted pictures and letters every year, they agreed, I get pictures once a year with a short letter included.
I told them I wanted her to know who she is, they agreed, they tell me she knows she is adopted and tells people (proudly) that she is from Ohio.
I told them I wanted her to know her birth family, they agreed, but other than knowing she is from Ohio I have no idea how much she knows.
I told them I wanted to see her again before she was old enough to remember me and get confused, they agreed, yet I have not see her since they left with her when she was 6 1/2 days old.
I told them I wanted to be able to communicate with them as often as possible, they agreed, and this has not happened.
Starting when she turned seven I wrote a letter before her birthday and would send pictures, a link to this blog, and ask if we could start to email each other. Each time I would get a "thank you" for the pictures and a  "no thank you" for the emails.
I don't regret my choice in find her the new parents. I talk about it in this blog about why I chose adoption.
I just go through the motions during this month. I start out angry, then I get depressed, then I come to terms with it and am fine until February rolls around again. Some days I go through the motions all in one day. It all depends. On the rare occasion I get lucky and forget what month it is. I love those days. I long for those days.
I do know that my daughter is smart, beautiful, strong, independent, talented, and an all out amazing young lady. She has to be. She is a part of me. I just want her to know how much I love her, think about her, miss her, and want to talk to her.
One day.
Until then I am at the mercy of her parents.