No, he isn't autistic.....

It is not uncommon for me to have people look at my son like he is "weird" or ask me if he is autistic. I've actually had people walk up to me and say "don't take this the way but (insert whatever family member they are talking about) is autistic and your son reminds me so much of them, is he autistic?" No, he isn't. But, he does come across that way.
There is a reason.

And it took a total of 6 1/2 hours, three separate tests, and a slew of diagnosis for me to figure out why. My son has ADHD, anxiety, sensory processing disorder, and something with not being able to figure out what the hell to do with his emotions.

Since he was around 2 I noticed there was something a little different with him than compared to most two year olds.

Usually when you tell a two year old they are going for a ride its all "WHOO HOO! WHAT CAN I GET MOMMY TO BUY ME!!!!" With mine it was "Where are we going? What order are we going in? What do we need from each store? How long do we plan to be at each place?" If I added or took off a stop it resulted in a very confused fit from the back seat. To try and avoid that in the future I started writing down where we were going so he could mark it off with his crayon. Even though he couldn't read he could recognize how the letters on the paper looked like the letters on the building. Then if I added or took away a stop I would make the changes on the list, so he could visually see the changes.

He was always hyper focused on something if he liked it too. To the point that he drove everyone else nuts around him with it. I remember when the first Cars movie came out it was playing on the TV from the moment he woke up to the moment he went to sleep, even if he wasn't in the same room as the tv. It played well over 200 times. I could have recited the entire movie. He could tell you everything about every character in that movie. It was the same way with Thomas and Friends. I never thought I would ever grow to hate a stupid cartoon about talking trains, but bet your ass it happened!Anything you could think you never wanted to know about those trains he could tell you.

Man, of man, if he meets someone that comments on something he likes (or doesn't like) then he will stop dead in his tracks and talk about that subject until he is dragged away or the other person politely ends the conversations. I have had more than one complete stranger at the store tell me that my child gave them the best conversation they had had in the longest time because of how informed, intelligent, and polite he was while talking to them. He has never met a stranger, just like his Mamaw, everyone he meets he considers his friends. So, teaching him "stranger danger" never really worked as a little kid

He can't be still. Yeah, he can sit still, but he can't BE still. He has to be talking, or making a noise, or moving. Even when he doesn't realize he is doing it. As I am typing this he is stretching and making some weird deep breathing sound in the tune of some song he has been listening to. If I point it out he wont realize he was doing it. He will just say he was stretching. He is always tapping a foot, tapping a finger on something, shaking a leg, biting on something, anything that has him moving in some way. You get used to it, but some days its still a pain to deal with, like when he has your side of the couch shaking, or the entire car moving while you are siting at a red light and he is shaking his foot, lol.

He can only wear certain fabrics. Anything else makes him feel like his skin is crawling. I can't buy clothes without taking him with me. I've tried. I thought I was buying something that wouldn't bother him and ended up spending an hour and a half returning all the clothes. But it gets even more fun, because he dreads clothes shopping. So getting him to do something he hates to buy something he wont hate is a challenge all of its own. There is only one brand and style of socks he will wear, that I can only find from one store, so if they ever stop selling those socks I will probably curl on up the floor of their store and cry until someone carries me out.

Food, oh my god, don't get me started on food! Texture, smell, how it looks, how he thinks it might taste, how it sounds when you stir it or scoop it. He used to eat whatever the hell you put in front of him, but when he was about 5, and all of this stuff manifested the way it is now, he started eating less and less to the point where it is a challenge to feed him. And I know he isn't starving because he is gaining weight. But, trying to keep and extremely picky 14 year old fed, when there is MAYBE 4 things they will eat SUCKS DONKEY BALLS! He fixates on something he likes, and eats it so much, that he gets to the point that he no longer wants it or likes it. Then I have to go through the struggle of trying to get him to find something else to eat. Pizza is ALWAYS a good answer though. He has never said no to pizza, lol.

He doesn't handle emotions well. Or at all. Unless it is bored or happy he has zero idea what to do with it and gets really overwhelmed. To the point that he either shuts down or starts to hit himself. I've tried everything I can think of to help him find ways to deal with his emotions and none of it has worked. Then he gets mad at himself for not knowing what to do. Then he feels like I'm going to be mad at him for getting mad at himself for not knowing what to do. And it breaks my heart.

I can tell he is about to shut down because of the look on his face. His eyes go from being present to looking like he is off in space. Then his body tenses up. He grabs his arms. And violently starts to rub his arms. His face will turn red. He starts to tremble. Then he starts to cry. Those are the stages of his shutting down. If I catch him at the "body tensing up" part and get him away from the situation then we can avoid the rest of the stages. But if I don't notice or catch it until his face is turning red, there is no stopping it. Then this is where I have to watch myself because of who is around us. I have noticed other children making fun of him and parents staring when we get to the red face point and it really pisses me off, and when I get pissed off I have no filter. I've gone off on people in public for staring at my kid before. If I'm being 100% honest I've yelled at other kids before.

He is so damned smart, but so damned lazy at the same time. If he puts his mind to it he can pick it up in a hot second, but he doesn't want to put to the work into it. Trying to get him to sit and focus, even on meds, is a challenge. When we were able to get him to focus he was on the A/B honor roll every quarter. But now the meds aren't working as well as they should be and he isn't wanting to put the effort in the way he should be. But he loves to learn. I just need him to find the focus like he once had.

Even with everything my son has to deal with, all the challenges he brings to the day, and every way he tests my patience, I would not trade him for anything in the world. My not autistic, but comes across as autistic child, is the perfect kid for me. He is my world, and damned if he isn't going to change the world!

Not convinced I don't just completely suck.

For as long as I can remember I have dealt with anxiety.
Which has never been fun.
I over analyze things.
I focus on what can go wrong.
I always assume the worst.
I feel like everything and everyone is out to go against me.

Its normal for people to have anxiety in their lives, in any instance that they don't deal with normally. Such as public speaking, interviewing for a new job, trying a new ride at an amusement park, etc. but for something with anxiety disorder the worry can, and sometimes will, take over their lives.

There are days where my anxiety controls my life.
This blog, for example, will sit unpublished for a few hours after I finish it because I will over worry about whether or not anyone will read it, am I going to be judged for it, will I come across an idiot, will people assume I am just whining, or will people just tell me to suck it up and get over it.
Then I will remember that no one really reads my blog and I will have to ask myself what is the point in posting it if no one will read it. Which gets me to remember that I write this for myself and no one else. But if I am writing it for me then why do I use such a public way to do it and not just a notebook that no one else can see. Because don't I secretly want people to read it?

Most days I am able to keep my anxiety under check. I can get about my day to day activities with minimal stress. I can push down my worries, fears, and concerns for what might or might not happen around me to get done what I need to get done. There are days where I worry about people looking at me and talking about me behind my back when I am out, making fun of what I am wearing, how I look, how fat I am, how ugly I am, how bad I am with my kid, and that I should have just stayed home, so I usually stay in my own head and just try to get through my task as quickly as I can so I can get home as quickly as I can. Then there are days where I am not bothered by it at all and can take my time and enjoy what I am out doing.

Along with general anxiety I also have social anxiety. I can't go new places by myself. I have to have someone with me that I trust and feel comfortable with. I've tried. It normally ends with me sitting in my car, on the verge of a panic attack, just driving away pissed that I couldn't get out of my car and just go in. Even if I am there with someone I trust I am uncomfortable and attached to the hip of the person I am with. That's why I don't like going to parties or anywhere with large crowds of people. I don't enjoy them and feel trapped.

There was an awards ceremony for my son, back in 5th grade, where I was sitting in an aisle seat so I knew if I got uncomfortable I could just get up and walk towards the back without disrupting anyone. Except, one of the moms I would talk to from time to time spotted me and called me over to come sit with her and I ended up sitting between her and another parent I didn't know. I spent the entire ceremony feeling trapped, having a hard time breathing, and had this sensation that I had bugs crawling all over me. Instead of being able to enjoy the ceremony and watch my son get awards for his grades all I could think of was how uncomfortable I was, wanting to cry, and wishing I had just stayed home where I was safe.

I can go for years without ever telling a guy I like that I like them. I have probably missed out on numerous relationship opportunities because of it. For the past three or four months I've wanted to tell one specific guy that I liked them, but always talked myself out of it. I knew it was stupid and that there was no way he would like me back. I'm too fat for him. I'm not attractive enough for him. I don't have my shit together. He's religious and I'm not. He'd want to go out and do things and I would't. So what would be the point in even telling him. Yesterday I decided to (as the kids say) shoot my shot and instantly wanted to throw up as soon as I messaged him. I was politely turned down (expected that) but the fact that I even told him was way harder than it ever should have been.

Even when I am in a relationship I worry that I am going to push them away with how much I worry. Am I going to drive them insane with the fact that I need them to remind me that they actually do like me and want to be with me at least 5 times a day? Does he think she is prettier than me and is he thinking of leaving me for her because she just smiled at him and she might actually sleep with him because I'm not right now. Does it actually bother him that I am a mom even though he says it doesn't? Is he lying when he tells me I'm pretty? Does he mean it when he says he likes me? Why is he actually with me when I can't even stand myself right now?

I have found, over the years, that when my anxiety is up the people around me, that don't know me that well, assume that I am upset with them, or just in a bad mood, want keep asking me why I am mad or tell me to cheer up. Which, in turn, does end up making me mad. I can't speak for everyone with anxiety, but for me personally, telling me to cheer up does NOTHING but irritate me. Telling me its "mind over matter" makes me want to punch you in the throat. Giving me a list of things to "make me happy" makes me want to shove the list up your bumhole. I can't stand hearing that "anxiety is just a frame of mind and not a real thing" because unless you have real anxiety you have no damn clue what you are talking about. and for the love of all of your teeth do not, and I mean it, do NOT tell me to STOP WORRYING ABOUT IT!

If you want to help someone with anxiety and panic disorders its really simple. I mean really simple. Be there for them. Listen to them. Hug them. Reassure them. Be there to support them while they pull themselves up by the bootstraps every single day. Because it is an every day thing. Every person is different though. So, if you know someone that suffers from anxiety ask them what helps them, don't just assume that you know what they need. Assuming you know what you need risks making it worse for them.

                            

Do I give off a vibe or something?

I don't get it.
Is it me?
Is it men in general?
Is it society?
What the fuck is it?
Why can't I have a conversation with a guy without them always trying to talk about sex in one form or another.
Its really damn annoying.
Whether it be asking how long it has been since I last had sex, what position I like, if I would sleep with them, if I watch porn, if I knew that people thought about sex in one form or another every 10 seconds of the day, telling me about sex with random people that they had, etc. it gets brought up in every conversation.
No matter how many times I say I don't want to talk about it. THERE IS OTHER SHIT TO TALK ABOUT!
And then I get told I am the weird one because "It's normal to talk about it." I know it is, its a human thing. A natural thing. A normal thing. A beautiful thing.
Not for me. Not in my experience. Which I give the short version of why, but they apparently don't pick up on, when I tell them to stop bringing it up.
The topic keeps getting brought up no matter how many times I ask for the respect for it to not be brought up, until I finally get short with them, then they need to "respect my sensitivity to the conversation topics" and the attitude with how they talk to me changes. It goes from talking to me like any other person to all of the sudden I am some delicate little flower and they need to walk on eggshells around me.
I am an intelligent woman. I am an interesting woman. I can bring a lot to a conversation that has nothing to do with the naked human body. If you want to talk about something I don't know much about, but I find interesting, then I want you to tell me more about it, and I will most likely look stuff up when I get home.
I can sew, can't read a sewing pattern to save my life, but I can sew!
I like building prefab furniture you buy from the store. Especially from IKEA, I see that shit as a challenge. Especially since it's never in English and there is always missing and spare parts.
I like to garden. I might kill everything I plant, but that doesn't mean I don't enjoy trying to keep the plants alive.
There is way more to me that that one stupid topic that always gets brought up, and I really wish guys would just take the damn time to figure that out.

Why am I single?

I had someone (well a few someones) ask my why I am single at 34 years old, and why I haven't been on a date in four years. If it was because I wasn't looking or if it was because it kept getting turned down.
Honestly, probably a mix of both, but more of me not looking.
In my late teens and 20's I was almost always talking to a guy, or in a relationship. None of them healthy. I put up with so much bullshit just to say I had a guy in my life. I was a verbal punching bag to pretty much every guy I talked to. Some even doled out emotional and financial abuse as well. My self esteem was at an all time low, so I didn't think I deserved anything better than what I was dealing with.
So, in my 30's I decided to focus on myself and not relationships.
If and when a relationship happens it happens.
It's not like I don't want one, I do, but it's not at the top of my list. It also helps that I am too big of a damn chicken to let a guy know that I like them, lol. If I don't tell them then they can't reject me. I've had my eye on someone for a few months now, but they would never know it because that is how I chose to have it. They have their life together, I don't, so I'm not saying anything.
I've also found that being a 34 year old with a 14 year old, who is still working on finding confidence isn't exactly a turn on for guys.
My last relationship was when I was 29, we dated for seven weeks and I broke up with him four days after I turned 30.
I almost went out on a date a few months ago, but that guy was only looking for sex and didn't like the fact that he wasn't going to get that from me. Didn't keep him from trying to talk me into it though. And boy oh boy did he try.
After, essentially, bowing down to every guy I was ever with I decided I am never doing that again. I am never caving. I am never lowering my standards. I am never again listening to "come on, don't you miss it?"
Sticking to my guns has helped weed out the guys I used to settle for when I was in my 20s, that is for sure.
I know, when the time is right, that right guy will enter my life, and things will click. Until then, I am going to continue to build my confidence, get back into doing the things I enjoyed doing before I had my kid, and just go where life takes me.
If I never meet anyone, then so be it. I don't even have my life together as much as I would like it to be and I am choosing not to bring anyone else into that.
When people ask me why I am single I just simply tell them "Because I am."
I choose to be.

I wasn't sure I wanted to write this or not....

Another year has come and gone.
My youngest child is now an official pre-teen.
It has also been two years since I have heard from her parents, received a letter, or pictures.
When I first decided to place my daughter I was in a very bad spot in my life. I wanted her to have a better life than I was ever going to be able to give her.
Then I met her parents, just hours before I went into labor.
I fell in love with them instantly.
I knew they would be able to give her what I wanted for her.
Things clicked so easily.
But, as the years went on I noticed that what they promised for me was not what they were giving me.
I was young and didn't know better, but looking back, I wish I had gotten everything we talked about in writing.
For the first year of her life, since they chance so much in those first 12 months, I was to receive pictures, at least, every other month. Which they did and I am forever grateful for that.
After the first year I was to receive pictures twice a year. That only happened once a year. Which was fine. I was still getting pictures and a nice letter from them telling me what she liked, how she was doing in school, etc.
Then, we talked about me getting to see her once she got old enough she wouldn't be confused by meeting me. However, every time I brought it up they would say "We aren't ready for that yet."
She is 12 now, and from what they have told me in the past, she knows she is adopted, and will even tell people she was born in Ohio.
For 10 years, until they cut off all communication two years ago, I was still having to contact the lawyer that helped me with the adoption to send the parents and my daughter letters, pictures, or to even ask if they knew when I was getting my pictures from them.
The lawyer and her assistants even started to wonder why, after 8-10 years, I was still having to contact them just to talk to my daughters parents.
That's when everything changed.
The lawyer told them that they had to start contacting me directly, that it had been long enough with using them as the go-between. I was the only birth mom, that after 8-10 years, still wasn't directly talking to the adoptive parents. She gave them my email and my phone number. No one has heard from them since then.
I don't understand why they would cut off contact with me. It's not like I plan on taking my daughter back. I'm not evil. She doesn't know me. To her I am just the woman that gave birth to her.
I just want to know my daughter and make sure she knows that I did this out of love. If I had been able to keep her and give her the life she deserved, bet your ass I would have.
I've done nothing to make her parents feel like they couldn't trust me, talk to me, keep me in the loop. Nothing.
This was supposed to be an open adoption and they have kept that from me. And I don't know why.
If I had known they would do this to me I might have chosen differently.
I just keep reminding myself that I only have 6 years before I can look for her, legally, and hopefully get to know my daughter.
I think about her every day.
Every single day.
I wonder what she looks like.
I wonder if she takes after me.
I wonder if she knows that she was never not wanted.
I wonder if she wants a relationship with me and/or the rest of her biological family.

I'm tired of picking shitty guys

This week I decided to get back into the dating game, that I've been out of about four years, and I learned a little something. I mean, I guess I always knew it, but chose to ignore it, however this time I decided to pay attention to it and write a blog about. Because, ya know, blogs are therapeutic, lol.
I started dating when I was 16, well officially dating, and it hasn't been the best experience.

When I was 15 I "met" the guy I used to consider my first official boyfriend. We met online, with Yahoo Chat, and "dated" off and on for four years. He lived in a different state, was a graduating senior in high school, and had recently enlisted in the Navy. Most of our communication was chat rooms, email, and some text. I mean, it was 2000 for crying out loud so texting was EXPENSIVE! 
We talked about everything and anything, growing really close. Or I thought. With him being in the Navy there were periods of time we simply couldn't talk. One of those times lasted four months. Within that four months I met my sons dad, but I'm not to him yet. But, he lead me to believe he wanted to be with me, help me raise my son, and live in Ohio with me.
We did get to meet in person one time (when I was 18), when he was on leave, and driving home to see his family. He came to my apartment and we spent three hours together. I was head over heels for him, but he kept telling me he was scared to tell his family about me. For a few reasons; how we met wouldn't have sat well with his family, he was Hmong so he was expected to be with an Asian woman, and we lived in different states.
All of the sudden, after four years, and months of talking about finally being together and living in the same state, he just stopped talking to me. He vanished. Emails were being returned as "unable to send" and no one on his ship knew where he was.

Before me and "internet guy" made it official, when I was 16 I started dating another guy who just graduated high school. We were in the same school together and started dating the week before summer break, the day he gradated high school. He had enlisted in the Air Force and was leaving at the end of summer. We talked on the phone, text (still pricey) and spent a few days a week together at Kings Island with a large group of friends. He was my first kiss and my first heart break. I should have known something was wrong when his group of friends, when we hang out at KI, would get on him constantly for not spending any time with me. After about a month of dating he realized he wasn't going to get me to sleep with him and dumped me because "He just wanted someone to have sex with before he had to leave for the Air Force."
Looking back now, I am not sure why I dated him since I found his best friend more attractive.

At 18 I dated this guy that, unbeknownst to me, was dating two other girls at the same time. He was just in it for sex. Again.

When I was 19 I reconnected with a guy I knew from where I worked when I was 17. I had a major crush on him when we worked together, he knew it, but he had a serious girlfriend at the time. When we reconnected when I was 19 he was single and we spent practically every day that we weren't working hanging out. Hell, even when he was working we were hanging out. He worked at a gas station, and I was his ride back and forth to work, and sometimes I would just hang out with him until I had to go to work. He knew I wanted to be more, but told me he couldn't "date someone he was friends with" but had zero problem sleeping with me every weekend. I knew I shouldn't sleep with him if he refused to date me, but I was filled with self hate and a serious lack of self confidence, so I took what I could get. I ended up telling him I couldn't handle not getting what I wanted out of it anymore, about 3 months later. We still hang out, but that was it.

Also, at 19, I reconnected with another guy I used to work with when I was 17. The three of us (the guy above included) all worked at the same place. I thought this guy was annoying when we were 17, but at 19 we started dating the day we reconnected. Which was about a month after I stopped sleeping with the guy above. We also got pregnant with our son 23 hours after we started dating.
Three weeks into dating, and a week after we "officially" found out I was pregnant (i knew the next morning when I woke up) he broke up with me, through text, telling me he was still in love with his ex girlfriend. Who I should add was currently locked up in a psych ward for trying to attack someone and threatening to kill herself.
I'm going to sum this one up quickly, he would say all the right things to get me to take him back and then leave me again three weeks later. Over and over and over for 6 years. I was convinced that I loved him, wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, and would never be happy with anyone but him. I even married him when our son was three, and kicked him out about 2 weeks later after he told me "he couldn't be himself" while married to me. Which translated into "I can't sleep around if I'm married" Over the course of those 6 years he got three other women pregnant, one while we were still legally married AND she was the girl he left our marriage for.

During one of my break ups with my sons dad I started talking to a guy that assumed that because I had a child I was going to sleep with him. When he found out I wouldn't he locked the bedroom door, while we were in there, and told me, point blank, that I wasn't "leaving the room until I gave him what he wanted." I threatened to Lorraina Bobbit his ass and he let me out of the room.

When I was 21 I dated a guy for a couple of weeks, got pregnant, found out he had a gf, and he denied ever touching me or spending time with me, and his mother threatened to call the cops on me for lying about being pregnant with his child and harassment.

I swore off dating for a little while after getting tired of being with crappy guys, and met a guy at Cincinnati Job Corps when I was 24. He was 21 and gorgeous. I was happy that he found me attractive and wanted to be with me. We were together for 18 months and it took me that entire 18 months to realize I had managed to get stuck in an abusive relationship.
At school he pretended like he didn't know me, then would call me as soon as he left to go home. I lived at the school, he didn't. He would start fights over everything and blame all the fights on me. He would tell me I was "lucky" that he wanted to be with me and it would be "no problem for him to leave me for someone more attractive".
He was jealous of the time I spent with my son, he hated my best friend and would yell at me for spending time with her, to the point that I stopped telling him when we were hanging out, which resulted in a fight when he did find out.
When he would hear about me talking to our friends at school about how he treated me he convinced them that I was being over dramatic and that wasn't at all how things were. They believed him until they over heard one of our fights over the phone. He was screaming at me so loudly they could hear every word he was saying.
We were talking about moving in together but I had to look for jobs for him to apply to, I had to find apartments to look at, I had to figure out where he could go to college, and I wasn't allowed to have my son spend weekends at our place because "the 4 year old is too loud". I didn't have custody of my son, so weekends were my time with him if I moved out of my moms house.
Every time he was unhappy with out relationship it was my fault. Every fight we had was my fault. If he "didn't have gas money" to come see me it was my fault. If we couldn't go out and spend time together it was my fault. Everything was my fault. After 18 months I finally opened my eyes and saw that I was in an emotionally, financially, and verbally abusive relationship. Within those 18 months, he never hit me, but I wouldn't have put it past him if I stayed with him longer. I even moved to Arizona to get away from him, which resulted in one of our biggest fights to date.
Even after I was in AZ he would try to get in contact with me to "fix" our relationship and get me to move home. He met his (now) wife while I was out there and trying to talk me into giving him another chance. When I did eventually move back home he tried to get me to meet up with him and then would curse me out when I said no. He has his wife convinced that I was crazy and the relationship was shit because of me.
I should also note that he was an alcoholic from the day I met him, but didn't know it until after three months. He was even born addicted to alcohol, so he never should have touched that shit as he grew up. He drank so much that he was told about 5 years ago (last time I heard from him) that if he kept drinking it would kill him.

When I was 29 I met a guy online and we made plans to have a double date with a friend of mine and her bf. We decided to go bowling, and he was drunk halfway through the first game. As we were taking him home he threatened to kill my friends bf over some stupid thing they didn't agree on and even pulled out a knife. Me, being desperate to be in a relationship, didn't cut things off then and there.
Every time we would go out I had to pay and he would have AT MINIMUM three beers each meal.
Keeping this one short, we dating seven weeks, and the day I broke up with him was when I found out he used heroin and was always high when I had my son with us because "that was the only way he could handle being around a fucking annoying child."

Now that I am trying to get back into the dating game, I have my standards VERY high. I know what I never want in my life and what I do want in my life. I won't settle for less. Which means this guy I am currently trying to talk to is probably not going to make the cut. Only 5 days into talking and I'm not happy with what I'm getting out of it.
I will never put myself in a situation where I end up in another scenario like I've been in in the past. If that means I'm single until I'm 50, then so be it.