Not convinced I don't just completely suck.

For as long as I can remember I have dealt with anxiety.
Which has never been fun.
I over analyze things.
I focus on what can go wrong.
I always assume the worst.
I feel like everything and everyone is out to go against me.

Its normal for people to have anxiety in their lives, in any instance that they don't deal with normally. Such as public speaking, interviewing for a new job, trying a new ride at an amusement park, etc. but for something with anxiety disorder the worry can, and sometimes will, take over their lives.

There are days where my anxiety controls my life.
This blog, for example, will sit unpublished for a few hours after I finish it because I will over worry about whether or not anyone will read it, am I going to be judged for it, will I come across an idiot, will people assume I am just whining, or will people just tell me to suck it up and get over it.
Then I will remember that no one really reads my blog and I will have to ask myself what is the point in posting it if no one will read it. Which gets me to remember that I write this for myself and no one else. But if I am writing it for me then why do I use such a public way to do it and not just a notebook that no one else can see. Because don't I secretly want people to read it?

Most days I am able to keep my anxiety under check. I can get about my day to day activities with minimal stress. I can push down my worries, fears, and concerns for what might or might not happen around me to get done what I need to get done. There are days where I worry about people looking at me and talking about me behind my back when I am out, making fun of what I am wearing, how I look, how fat I am, how ugly I am, how bad I am with my kid, and that I should have just stayed home, so I usually stay in my own head and just try to get through my task as quickly as I can so I can get home as quickly as I can. Then there are days where I am not bothered by it at all and can take my time and enjoy what I am out doing.

Along with general anxiety I also have social anxiety. I can't go new places by myself. I have to have someone with me that I trust and feel comfortable with. I've tried. It normally ends with me sitting in my car, on the verge of a panic attack, just driving away pissed that I couldn't get out of my car and just go in. Even if I am there with someone I trust I am uncomfortable and attached to the hip of the person I am with. That's why I don't like going to parties or anywhere with large crowds of people. I don't enjoy them and feel trapped.

There was an awards ceremony for my son, back in 5th grade, where I was sitting in an aisle seat so I knew if I got uncomfortable I could just get up and walk towards the back without disrupting anyone. Except, one of the moms I would talk to from time to time spotted me and called me over to come sit with her and I ended up sitting between her and another parent I didn't know. I spent the entire ceremony feeling trapped, having a hard time breathing, and had this sensation that I had bugs crawling all over me. Instead of being able to enjoy the ceremony and watch my son get awards for his grades all I could think of was how uncomfortable I was, wanting to cry, and wishing I had just stayed home where I was safe.

I can go for years without ever telling a guy I like that I like them. I have probably missed out on numerous relationship opportunities because of it. For the past three or four months I've wanted to tell one specific guy that I liked them, but always talked myself out of it. I knew it was stupid and that there was no way he would like me back. I'm too fat for him. I'm not attractive enough for him. I don't have my shit together. He's religious and I'm not. He'd want to go out and do things and I would't. So what would be the point in even telling him. Yesterday I decided to (as the kids say) shoot my shot and instantly wanted to throw up as soon as I messaged him. I was politely turned down (expected that) but the fact that I even told him was way harder than it ever should have been.

Even when I am in a relationship I worry that I am going to push them away with how much I worry. Am I going to drive them insane with the fact that I need them to remind me that they actually do like me and want to be with me at least 5 times a day? Does he think she is prettier than me and is he thinking of leaving me for her because she just smiled at him and she might actually sleep with him because I'm not right now. Does it actually bother him that I am a mom even though he says it doesn't? Is he lying when he tells me I'm pretty? Does he mean it when he says he likes me? Why is he actually with me when I can't even stand myself right now?

I have found, over the years, that when my anxiety is up the people around me, that don't know me that well, assume that I am upset with them, or just in a bad mood, want keep asking me why I am mad or tell me to cheer up. Which, in turn, does end up making me mad. I can't speak for everyone with anxiety, but for me personally, telling me to cheer up does NOTHING but irritate me. Telling me its "mind over matter" makes me want to punch you in the throat. Giving me a list of things to "make me happy" makes me want to shove the list up your bumhole. I can't stand hearing that "anxiety is just a frame of mind and not a real thing" because unless you have real anxiety you have no damn clue what you are talking about. and for the love of all of your teeth do not, and I mean it, do NOT tell me to STOP WORRYING ABOUT IT!

If you want to help someone with anxiety and panic disorders its really simple. I mean really simple. Be there for them. Listen to them. Hug them. Reassure them. Be there to support them while they pull themselves up by the bootstraps every single day. Because it is an every day thing. Every person is different though. So, if you know someone that suffers from anxiety ask them what helps them, don't just assume that you know what they need. Assuming you know what you need risks making it worse for them.