No, he isn't autistic.....

It is not uncommon for me to have people look at my son like he is "weird" or ask me if he is autistic. I've actually had people walk up to me and say "don't take this the way but (insert whatever family member they are talking about) is autistic and your son reminds me so much of them, is he autistic?" No, he isn't. But, he does come across that way.
There is a reason.

And it took a total of 6 1/2 hours, three separate tests, and a slew of diagnosis for me to figure out why. My son has ADHD, anxiety, sensory processing disorder, and something with not being able to figure out what the hell to do with his emotions.

Since he was around 2 I noticed there was something a little different with him than compared to most two year olds.

Usually when you tell a two year old they are going for a ride its all "WHOO HOO! WHAT CAN I GET MOMMY TO BUY ME!!!!" With mine it was "Where are we going? What order are we going in? What do we need from each store? How long do we plan to be at each place?" If I added or took off a stop it resulted in a very confused fit from the back seat. To try and avoid that in the future I started writing down where we were going so he could mark it off with his crayon. Even though he couldn't read he could recognize how the letters on the paper looked like the letters on the building. Then if I added or took away a stop I would make the changes on the list, so he could visually see the changes.

He was always hyper focused on something if he liked it too. To the point that he drove everyone else nuts around him with it. I remember when the first Cars movie came out it was playing on the TV from the moment he woke up to the moment he went to sleep, even if he wasn't in the same room as the tv. It played well over 200 times. I could have recited the entire movie. He could tell you everything about every character in that movie. It was the same way with Thomas and Friends. I never thought I would ever grow to hate a stupid cartoon about talking trains, but bet your ass it happened!Anything you could think you never wanted to know about those trains he could tell you.

Man, of man, if he meets someone that comments on something he likes (or doesn't like) then he will stop dead in his tracks and talk about that subject until he is dragged away or the other person politely ends the conversations. I have had more than one complete stranger at the store tell me that my child gave them the best conversation they had had in the longest time because of how informed, intelligent, and polite he was while talking to them. He has never met a stranger, just like his Mamaw, everyone he meets he considers his friends. So, teaching him "stranger danger" never really worked as a little kid

He can't be still. Yeah, he can sit still, but he can't BE still. He has to be talking, or making a noise, or moving. Even when he doesn't realize he is doing it. As I am typing this he is stretching and making some weird deep breathing sound in the tune of some song he has been listening to. If I point it out he wont realize he was doing it. He will just say he was stretching. He is always tapping a foot, tapping a finger on something, shaking a leg, biting on something, anything that has him moving in some way. You get used to it, but some days its still a pain to deal with, like when he has your side of the couch shaking, or the entire car moving while you are siting at a red light and he is shaking his foot, lol.

He can only wear certain fabrics. Anything else makes him feel like his skin is crawling. I can't buy clothes without taking him with me. I've tried. I thought I was buying something that wouldn't bother him and ended up spending an hour and a half returning all the clothes. But it gets even more fun, because he dreads clothes shopping. So getting him to do something he hates to buy something he wont hate is a challenge all of its own. There is only one brand and style of socks he will wear, that I can only find from one store, so if they ever stop selling those socks I will probably curl on up the floor of their store and cry until someone carries me out.

Food, oh my god, don't get me started on food! Texture, smell, how it looks, how he thinks it might taste, how it sounds when you stir it or scoop it. He used to eat whatever the hell you put in front of him, but when he was about 5, and all of this stuff manifested the way it is now, he started eating less and less to the point where it is a challenge to feed him. And I know he isn't starving because he is gaining weight. But, trying to keep and extremely picky 14 year old fed, when there is MAYBE 4 things they will eat SUCKS DONKEY BALLS! He fixates on something he likes, and eats it so much, that he gets to the point that he no longer wants it or likes it. Then I have to go through the struggle of trying to get him to find something else to eat. Pizza is ALWAYS a good answer though. He has never said no to pizza, lol.

He doesn't handle emotions well. Or at all. Unless it is bored or happy he has zero idea what to do with it and gets really overwhelmed. To the point that he either shuts down or starts to hit himself. I've tried everything I can think of to help him find ways to deal with his emotions and none of it has worked. Then he gets mad at himself for not knowing what to do. Then he feels like I'm going to be mad at him for getting mad at himself for not knowing what to do. And it breaks my heart.

I can tell he is about to shut down because of the look on his face. His eyes go from being present to looking like he is off in space. Then his body tenses up. He grabs his arms. And violently starts to rub his arms. His face will turn red. He starts to tremble. Then he starts to cry. Those are the stages of his shutting down. If I catch him at the "body tensing up" part and get him away from the situation then we can avoid the rest of the stages. But if I don't notice or catch it until his face is turning red, there is no stopping it. Then this is where I have to watch myself because of who is around us. I have noticed other children making fun of him and parents staring when we get to the red face point and it really pisses me off, and when I get pissed off I have no filter. I've gone off on people in public for staring at my kid before. If I'm being 100% honest I've yelled at other kids before.

He is so damned smart, but so damned lazy at the same time. If he puts his mind to it he can pick it up in a hot second, but he doesn't want to put to the work into it. Trying to get him to sit and focus, even on meds, is a challenge. When we were able to get him to focus he was on the A/B honor roll every quarter. But now the meds aren't working as well as they should be and he isn't wanting to put the effort in the way he should be. But he loves to learn. I just need him to find the focus like he once had.

Even with everything my son has to deal with, all the challenges he brings to the day, and every way he tests my patience, I would not trade him for anything in the world. My not autistic, but comes across as autistic child, is the perfect kid for me. He is my world, and damned if he isn't going to change the world!

Not convinced I don't just completely suck.

For as long as I can remember I have dealt with anxiety.
Which has never been fun.
I over analyze things.
I focus on what can go wrong.
I always assume the worst.
I feel like everything and everyone is out to go against me.

Its normal for people to have anxiety in their lives, in any instance that they don't deal with normally. Such as public speaking, interviewing for a new job, trying a new ride at an amusement park, etc. but for something with anxiety disorder the worry can, and sometimes will, take over their lives.

There are days where my anxiety controls my life.
This blog, for example, will sit unpublished for a few hours after I finish it because I will over worry about whether or not anyone will read it, am I going to be judged for it, will I come across an idiot, will people assume I am just whining, or will people just tell me to suck it up and get over it.
Then I will remember that no one really reads my blog and I will have to ask myself what is the point in posting it if no one will read it. Which gets me to remember that I write this for myself and no one else. But if I am writing it for me then why do I use such a public way to do it and not just a notebook that no one else can see. Because don't I secretly want people to read it?

Most days I am able to keep my anxiety under check. I can get about my day to day activities with minimal stress. I can push down my worries, fears, and concerns for what might or might not happen around me to get done what I need to get done. There are days where I worry about people looking at me and talking about me behind my back when I am out, making fun of what I am wearing, how I look, how fat I am, how ugly I am, how bad I am with my kid, and that I should have just stayed home, so I usually stay in my own head and just try to get through my task as quickly as I can so I can get home as quickly as I can. Then there are days where I am not bothered by it at all and can take my time and enjoy what I am out doing.

Along with general anxiety I also have social anxiety. I can't go new places by myself. I have to have someone with me that I trust and feel comfortable with. I've tried. It normally ends with me sitting in my car, on the verge of a panic attack, just driving away pissed that I couldn't get out of my car and just go in. Even if I am there with someone I trust I am uncomfortable and attached to the hip of the person I am with. That's why I don't like going to parties or anywhere with large crowds of people. I don't enjoy them and feel trapped.

There was an awards ceremony for my son, back in 5th grade, where I was sitting in an aisle seat so I knew if I got uncomfortable I could just get up and walk towards the back without disrupting anyone. Except, one of the moms I would talk to from time to time spotted me and called me over to come sit with her and I ended up sitting between her and another parent I didn't know. I spent the entire ceremony feeling trapped, having a hard time breathing, and had this sensation that I had bugs crawling all over me. Instead of being able to enjoy the ceremony and watch my son get awards for his grades all I could think of was how uncomfortable I was, wanting to cry, and wishing I had just stayed home where I was safe.

I can go for years without ever telling a guy I like that I like them. I have probably missed out on numerous relationship opportunities because of it. For the past three or four months I've wanted to tell one specific guy that I liked them, but always talked myself out of it. I knew it was stupid and that there was no way he would like me back. I'm too fat for him. I'm not attractive enough for him. I don't have my shit together. He's religious and I'm not. He'd want to go out and do things and I would't. So what would be the point in even telling him. Yesterday I decided to (as the kids say) shoot my shot and instantly wanted to throw up as soon as I messaged him. I was politely turned down (expected that) but the fact that I even told him was way harder than it ever should have been.

Even when I am in a relationship I worry that I am going to push them away with how much I worry. Am I going to drive them insane with the fact that I need them to remind me that they actually do like me and want to be with me at least 5 times a day? Does he think she is prettier than me and is he thinking of leaving me for her because she just smiled at him and she might actually sleep with him because I'm not right now. Does it actually bother him that I am a mom even though he says it doesn't? Is he lying when he tells me I'm pretty? Does he mean it when he says he likes me? Why is he actually with me when I can't even stand myself right now?

I have found, over the years, that when my anxiety is up the people around me, that don't know me that well, assume that I am upset with them, or just in a bad mood, want keep asking me why I am mad or tell me to cheer up. Which, in turn, does end up making me mad. I can't speak for everyone with anxiety, but for me personally, telling me to cheer up does NOTHING but irritate me. Telling me its "mind over matter" makes me want to punch you in the throat. Giving me a list of things to "make me happy" makes me want to shove the list up your bumhole. I can't stand hearing that "anxiety is just a frame of mind and not a real thing" because unless you have real anxiety you have no damn clue what you are talking about. and for the love of all of your teeth do not, and I mean it, do NOT tell me to STOP WORRYING ABOUT IT!

If you want to help someone with anxiety and panic disorders its really simple. I mean really simple. Be there for them. Listen to them. Hug them. Reassure them. Be there to support them while they pull themselves up by the bootstraps every single day. Because it is an every day thing. Every person is different though. So, if you know someone that suffers from anxiety ask them what helps them, don't just assume that you know what they need. Assuming you know what you need risks making it worse for them.

                            

Do I give off a vibe or something?

I don't get it.
Is it me?
Is it men in general?
Is it society?
What the fuck is it?
Why can't I have a conversation with a guy without them always trying to talk about sex in one form or another.
Its really damn annoying.
Whether it be asking how long it has been since I last had sex, what position I like, if I would sleep with them, if I watch porn, if I knew that people thought about sex in one form or another every 10 seconds of the day, telling me about sex with random people that they had, etc. it gets brought up in every conversation.
No matter how many times I say I don't want to talk about it. THERE IS OTHER SHIT TO TALK ABOUT!
And then I get told I am the weird one because "It's normal to talk about it." I know it is, its a human thing. A natural thing. A normal thing. A beautiful thing.
Not for me. Not in my experience. Which I give the short version of why, but they apparently don't pick up on, when I tell them to stop bringing it up.
The topic keeps getting brought up no matter how many times I ask for the respect for it to not be brought up, until I finally get short with them, then they need to "respect my sensitivity to the conversation topics" and the attitude with how they talk to me changes. It goes from talking to me like any other person to all of the sudden I am some delicate little flower and they need to walk on eggshells around me.
I am an intelligent woman. I am an interesting woman. I can bring a lot to a conversation that has nothing to do with the naked human body. If you want to talk about something I don't know much about, but I find interesting, then I want you to tell me more about it, and I will most likely look stuff up when I get home.
I can sew, can't read a sewing pattern to save my life, but I can sew!
I like building prefab furniture you buy from the store. Especially from IKEA, I see that shit as a challenge. Especially since it's never in English and there is always missing and spare parts.
I like to garden. I might kill everything I plant, but that doesn't mean I don't enjoy trying to keep the plants alive.
There is way more to me that that one stupid topic that always gets brought up, and I really wish guys would just take the damn time to figure that out.

Why am I single?

I had someone (well a few someones) ask my why I am single at 34 years old, and why I haven't been on a date in four years. If it was because I wasn't looking or if it was because it kept getting turned down.
Honestly, probably a mix of both, but more of me not looking.
In my late teens and 20's I was almost always talking to a guy, or in a relationship. None of them healthy. I put up with so much bullshit just to say I had a guy in my life. I was a verbal punching bag to pretty much every guy I talked to. Some even doled out emotional and financial abuse as well. My self esteem was at an all time low, so I didn't think I deserved anything better than what I was dealing with.
So, in my 30's I decided to focus on myself and not relationships.
If and when a relationship happens it happens.
It's not like I don't want one, I do, but it's not at the top of my list. It also helps that I am too big of a damn chicken to let a guy know that I like them, lol. If I don't tell them then they can't reject me. I've had my eye on someone for a few months now, but they would never know it because that is how I chose to have it. They have their life together, I don't, so I'm not saying anything.
I've also found that being a 34 year old with a 14 year old, who is still working on finding confidence isn't exactly a turn on for guys.
My last relationship was when I was 29, we dated for seven weeks and I broke up with him four days after I turned 30.
I almost went out on a date a few months ago, but that guy was only looking for sex and didn't like the fact that he wasn't going to get that from me. Didn't keep him from trying to talk me into it though. And boy oh boy did he try.
After, essentially, bowing down to every guy I was ever with I decided I am never doing that again. I am never caving. I am never lowering my standards. I am never again listening to "come on, don't you miss it?"
Sticking to my guns has helped weed out the guys I used to settle for when I was in my 20s, that is for sure.
I know, when the time is right, that right guy will enter my life, and things will click. Until then, I am going to continue to build my confidence, get back into doing the things I enjoyed doing before I had my kid, and just go where life takes me.
If I never meet anyone, then so be it. I don't even have my life together as much as I would like it to be and I am choosing not to bring anyone else into that.
When people ask me why I am single I just simply tell them "Because I am."
I choose to be.