I'm going to do things a little differently today.
Instead of using a prompt, like I have been, I am just going to write about how I am feeling today.
Today I am sad, angry, depressed.
Today I hate today.
I am all three of those emotions and probably more.
Things haven't been the same the past month and four days.
I feel like nothing will ever be the same again.
My entire world has been flipped upside down and kicked around.
I have to learn how to live all over again.
I lost my mom and I just don't know what to do anymore.
To those that don't know me, I am fine. I seem to have dealt with everything fairly well.
To those that know me, I know they are worried about me.
When I act like everything is fine, without every going through the "everything is fucked up" phase, they know I'm not doing well.
I know my mom was ready to go.
She was in pain and just so damn tired.
But I am fucking pissed.
I am pissed that it took her doctor as long as it did to figure out the problem.
I am pissed at my mom for not taking her health as serious as she could be.
I am pissed at people for telling me they are sorry for my loss.
I am pissed at myself for letting myself actually grieve.
I am pissed at the people she went to church with because they (and the church) are why she refused to move closer to me and my brother.
I don't want to do anything anymore.
I don't want to work. I've debating asking to be taken off schedule until summer. I've debating quitting. When I thought I lost my job this weekend, because I couldn't work, or get my shifts covered, it didn't bother me. A small part of me was actually upset that I didn't lose my job.
I don't want to cook a real meal.
I don't want to clean the house.
I don't want to leave the couch.
I don't want to be around people.
My fuse has always been short, but lately, it doesn't exist.
I am bad mouthing (in my head) people that don't deserve it and going off on (in my head) people that annoy me. I don't say out loud what I am thinking because I know it's stuff that I shouldn't say out loud.
I want to tell people that talk about their moms to fuck off.
But
I sit there with a smile, I put on a front that I'm fine, I don't let people see how miserable I am.
Yes, my mom and I had our problems.
What mothers and daughters don't.
But she was also my best friend.
I told her everything.
We had plans to take my son on a road trip next summer.
We were still talking about trying to save money to see Tran-Siberian Orchestra. That's never going to happen now. And I find myself being really pissed off that people get to see them when they come to town in 12 days.
Just thinking that my son can't go to her house, to spend the night and go swimming, in the summer, man, that just makes my heart break for my son.
I know, in time, like with everything, I will start to live my life again. I will find my new normal. I will be ok.
But, right now, I feel like that is never going to happen.
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