When my son was an infant (6 months old) I had my issues. I couldn't handle his crying. I couldn't get myself to get out of bed when he was crying. I didn't want to give him his baths. My parents ended up doing most of the work. Don't get me wrong, I loved my son. I loved to hold him and have him sleep on my chest. I didn't mind feeding him, and I loved to take pictures of him.
However, when he would cry and I couldn't get him to stop I started to freak out. I didn't know what to do, I would start to feel my heart rate get faster, I would start to hyperventilate as well. What scared me the most was the thoughts going through my head. Normally my parents could see that there was something wrong with me and they would offer to take my son until I could calm down. There was one day where he was crying for 10 minutes and no matter what I did I couldn't get it to stop. All that was going through my head was 'I wonder if I put my hand over his face if that will stop him.' That day I was in the living room with my dad and my dad was on the computer with his back to me. After fighting the thoughts in my head for about 45 seconds I called for my dad to get his attention. He replied with his typical 'what?' So I called his name again and apparentlywith panic in my voice. He turned around this time and saw the look on my face. He asked me if everything was ok, and as he was asking that he was walking towards me. I said 'I need you to take him and I need you to take him now!' My dad took my son from me and said 'go' so I went to my room, shut the door, sat on my bed, and busted out crying. It took me longer to calm down this time. I came out of the room when I calmed down and went to go talk to my mom. I was worried about how I felt and I knew it was not right. So we decided at his next DRs appointment, in two days, we would bring it up to his Pediatrician and see what she said.
So two days later while he is getting his check up I told his DR when she had a second I needed to ask her a question. After his check up I told her what was going on and that I had no idea why I felt like that. She told me that I had postpartum depression that was bordering postpartum psychosis. She said it was normal for people that were already suffering from depression before they got pregnant and to call my DR to see what I could do to help it, but it normally just had to run its course. She also told me she was very proud of me for using my parents to help so I could get away from the situation that was setting me off, but because I had those thoughts she had to, by law, call CPS and let them know. That scared me because I thought for sure they were going to come take my baby away.
Apparently, CPS had shown up at the house before we had gotten back from the DR because I was getting weird calls over my cell phone. I do not answer calls from numbers I do not know. So when this number called (and I was never told they would call) about 5 times I just sent them all to voice-mail. About 10 minutes later my brother comes out of his room and informs us that there are police officers outside the house. My dad let them in and they told us that CPS had heard what was going on, no one answered the phone or the door so they asked the police to go make sure everything was ok. We explained to the cop what was going on and before they left they called CPS and said everything was ok.
So the next time that number showed up I answered and set a date for CPS to come do a home visit. Two days later CPS came to the house to do their visit. They looked around and asked me a TON of questions. They decided that everything was fine but if we had any questions of concerns to give them a call. They also told me to make sure that I kept in touch and contacted my DR as soon as I could.
Well, about three weeks later my mom and I had gotten in a fight (happened all the time) and she told me I was kicked out and had two weeks to live, but she wanted me to leave my son. She was always kicking me out so I called her bluff. Yet, she took it upon herself to call CPS and tell them she was kicking me out but was scared for my son. CPS pretty much said that my son is NOT leaving with me and that we were to go to court.
Within two weeks we were in court and my entire world was imploded in front of me. The CPS worker made me out to be a horrible monster that was going to injure her child and the Magistrate had given temporary custody to my parents. I would NEVER hurt my son. I hadn't yet and I wouldn't in the future, so why would they take my child from me? What did I do wrong? How do I get them to change their mind?
My mom never made me leave (always empty threats) so here I was living with my son, and sleeping in the same room as him, but I had no legal rights. Why should I be a mother then? My mom is now his legal guardian so she can do everything. I quit. And I did quit for 3 1/2 months. I was pissed off at my mom and I wanted to hurt her the way she hurt me so I refused to do anything. Around the end of the 3 1/2 months my postpartum went away completely and I took over 90% of what my mom was doing, what I should have always been doing. Yet the problems didn't stop there. It would be another 6 years before I was able to get custody back. My battle was just beginning.
To be continued......
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