Tonight while taking a shower after my kickboxing class I was thinking about two women I look up to, women I don't know personally but follow online, women who I aspire to be like when I "grow up". I say "grow up" because I actually think I am older than both of them. Anyways, getting off on a small tangent I am, I started following Whitney Thore and Tess Holliday on Instagram and Facebook sometime in early 2015 because they are both plus sized women who don't take crap from any one, they don't let their size hold them back, and they fight for equality for women (and men) of all shapes, sizes, colors, whatever. I thought that was pretty damn amazing.
As some of you know I have struggled with my weight my entire life, but I have also struggled with liking myself my entire life. And when I say "struggled with" I mean I don't like myself. I like bits and pieces. I like my personality. I like my eyes. I like my hair color (not my natural hair color). That is pretty much about it. I tug at my clothes to make sure that all the rolls and imperfections are covered and not accentuated. I try to only wear shirts that are long enough to cover my c-section "apron" and in the colder weather I pretty much live in hoodies. When I workout in kickboxing class, walking, or jogging I am always readjusting my clothes.
I don't like what I see when I look in the mirror and, oh hell, if there happens to be a full body picture taken of me. I don't even like a picture taken of me unless from a high angle to hide the fact that my chin goes straight into my neck, but I still have a double chin. Yet, there are days, and I REALLY love these days, where I look in the mirror and I think "not too damn bad Tiana" and I snap a few selfies. The majority of the time my selfies have me making some weird ass face too, I don't tend to make "normal" faces when I take a picture of myself. I will share a "normal" and "typical" selfie of me below before I continue.
This would be a "typical" selfie of mine
This would be a "normal" selfie for me
But, I digress. I follow Whitney and Tess because of their confidence, their message, and their "take no BS" attitude. Which is something I have always wanted, wish I had, and struggled with. Just recently, I want to say in the past 3 or 4 months I started the journey to work on that with myself. I started watching what I eat (which I have done in the past, but taking it more serious), I am working out more (again, in the past, more serious now), and joined a group online with other women working on their physical health as well.
Late fall 2015 I started "teaching" myself how to jog (running is a long way off), as well as the kickboxing class I have been attending since early 2015, and was loving it, something I never thought I would say, and was sharing my journey with the other women in my group. I was taking selfies during my jog, making my typical "oh lort kill me" faces, and sharing my story. I was getting called names I had never been called before EVER in my life. They were calling me an inspiration and a role model and someone to look up to. I didn't know how to handle seeing those words on my computer screen. I have never had anyone, ever, say those things to me. It made me feel great. It made me want to do my workouts more, post more, talk more, get my story out there more. I started to feel like my role models, even if only with a small group of people.
Then five weeks into my new workout regime I started feeling pain in my legs during my jogs. I had shin splints. I couldn't jog unless I wanted to cause more damage. As I started posting less I started to slip back into my old mindset about myself. Then after a few weeks (about 3 or 4) the women started asking me where I was and why I wasn't posting anything. The only excuse I had was "I have shin splints". I could have done different workouts or something, but I just didn't do anything. I slipped back into my comforts. I ate like crap, I started thinking negatively about myself, and I just went into a slump for a few weeks.
The entire time this was going on I was still seeing Tess and Whitney's posts about living their dreams and spreading their message and I would think to myself "how am I supposed to be like them when I grow up if I don't learn to love and accept myself first." So I pulled up my boot straps and started going back to my kickboxing classes and posting my journey. It may not be much, but every class I take, every post I make, I start to feel like I am inching closer and closer to feeling like I am becoming more like my idols.
I may never touch as many lives as Tess and Whitney, I understand that and am ok with that, I actually am very uncomfortable with attention on me (I know that is part of my lack of confidence) but just knowing that there is a handful of women out there I am helping makes me feel amazing.
**A Letter to Tess and Whitney**
You don't know me, and you may never see this, but I wanted to write you this to end my blog. Both of you strong, beautiful, independent women are an inspiration to me. I am proud to have you as my role models. You have no idea how much you both have touched my life and changed how I see myself and the things that are possible for me.
To Whitney,
I first saw "fat girl dancing" and didn't see a fat girl but an amazing dancer who was oozing with pride and a love of what she was doing. It wasn't until the end of the video that I noticed I was crying. Then it hit me "I want to be like her". I want to be free and comfortable like you. Free to be me. Free to do what I love and not worry or care what other people think about me because I am happy and doing what makes me happy. Then your TV show came out and I saw you. The every day you. The you that struggles just like the rest of us and it made me love you even more. It made you my idol even more. Even through the haters and the negative people you still love yourself and fight every day to spread your message to stop the body shamming so people like me stop feeling the way we do. I can not thank you enough for that.
To Tess,
I will admit, I really didn't know who you were until I saw an article about you becoming the first plus size professional model and I knew I had to find out more about you. You have such an organic and classic beauty about you, a grace. You also fight for the same thing as Whitney, for people to stop shamming and putting down us big girls and to understand that size does not, in any way, determine beauty. Then I found you on IG and saw that you were a mother, like me, and fought HARD to get to where you were, to provide for your son, to better your self and your life. For everything you are and do, I thank you, from the bottom of my heart