This sucks so bad!

How can I try to correct my high cholesterol.

Replace bad fats with good fats. Stay away from trans and saturated fats and eat more monounsaturated and polyunsaturated fats. Not only are those good for my heart, but most other parts of my body as well. Not only should I reduce my fat intake overall, but I should also replace my bad with good such s olive oil, whole grains, flax seed, hemp seed, and chia seed.

Another thing I can do is increase my fiber intake by 5 to 10 grams per day. Doing this can lower my LDL by about 5%. Fiber can also improve my intestinal health, prevent heart disease and some cancers, reduce blood pressure, and aid in controlling my weight. Eat mre fruits, vegetables, whole-grain breads and cereals, nuts, and legumes. This will also raise my HDL.

Workout at least 30 minutes a day, which I have been doing when injuries permit. On the flip side, not working out regularly can raise my LDL. Being overweight can lower my HDL. So, best bet is to do my best to make sure I am getting my 30 minutes a day in.

This one sounds simple, unless you grew up eating mainly this type of food like I did. Cut out processed foods and foods high in sugar. Those types of food will increase triglycerides and cholesterol productions. If I can manage to cut those out then I will start to see that I am naturally craving organically sweet foods like fruit.

Lower caffeine and alcohol intake. I don’t drink alcohol, I think the last time I did was my birthday and then my birthday before that. I do have a problem with caffeine though. I used to drink nothing but pop all day long and some weeks I slip and have more pop than I know I should.

I need to reduce my stress, so it’s a good thing that I just opened a yoga and meditation group! Use what I teach for my own health! Try to get at least 10 minutes of meditation in a day.

Change my diet for the better, which I have been working on the past year, but slipped more times than I like. Eating a cup and a half of cooked oatmeal can at 6 grams of soluble fiber to my diet. Adding omega-3 fatty acids can reduce my risk of blood clots. Walnuts and almonds can reduce my blood cholesterol. Other foods that help lower cholesterol are kale, apples, garlic, dark chocolate, spinach, avocado, blueberries, tomatoes, flax seed, beans, and salmon.

There are supplements that I can take to lower my cholesterol without prescription meds. Vitamin B3 lowers LDL and increases HDL. You can get it as a prescription or a supplement, but the AHA cautions that you only use the prescription form because of the side effects. You should be under the supervision of a doctor. There is research out there that says that artichoke leaf extract can also help lower cholesterol by limiting the synthesis of it in the body. There are still longer trials with more people needed to greater understanding, but it is believed to increase bile production in the liver and the speed of the flow from the gallbladder, which can increase cholesterol excretion. Green tea, soy, and garlic can also help reduce the numbers naturally. 

Get sleepy with it!

Sleep.

Is it really as important as people make it sound?

You bet your ass it is!

Sleep plays a very important role in your physical health. While you are sleeping your body is healing and repairing your organs, muscles, etc. Most of the things that you read, learned, and experienced during the day are retained at night. When you are asleep that is when your body moves what it deems important to you from your short term memory to long term memory.

For example, if you are a student, and just crammed for a quiz or test you have the next day, if you don’t get at least 7-8 hours of sleep then you wasted that time studying because you won’t remember most of what you just made sure you would remember. If you don’t get enough sleep, and keep going with not enough sleep, then you are increasing your risk of heart disease, kidney disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, and having a stroke.

While all of those are scary to think about and deal with, not getting enough sleep can raise your chances of gaining weight. Your hormones that make you feel hungry are messed up and it causes you to feel so much hungrier than you would if you had gotten adequate sleep. I know when I am super tired I want to eat all the time. All day, anything I can get my hands on, and I know it’s bad, but I am too tired to care.

When children and teens are sleeping that is when their growth and development occurs. Has it ever felt like your child grew overnight? It feels that way because they did! During sleep the hormones for growth and muscle mass are being released. Also released during sleep are the hormones for tissue repair, puberty, and fertility.

When you were sick as a child your parent(s) made you spend most of your time in bed so you could rest, didn’t they? That is because your immune system is relying on that sleep/nap/rest to do its job and make you healthier.

Not only can you get yourself potentially set up for physical issues with your body you also start having trouble with making decisions, figuring out how to solve a problem you are dealing with, your emotions are out of whack, and your behavior and coping skills are minimal. That is part of why children that don’t get enough sleep have such crazy mood swings and have trouble paying attention when they are school aged.

One thing I learned while doing some research for this is microsleep. Microsleep is something that happens when you don’t get enough sleep. It is a brief moment where, when you are normally awake, you are actually microsleeping. Do you ever drive somewhere when tired and notice that you don’t remember a part of the trip? You were probably microsleeping. Have you ever listened to a lecture, watched a movie/tv show, and notice that you don’t remember a few minutes of what you were listening to? Microsleep. You can microsleep without even noticing it. I know I have had both of those things happen to me. I have also been watching tv with my dad, closed my eyes for a second, and open them up 10 minutes later. It didn’t feel like it had been ten minutes and I could still hear everything on the TV, but I was microsleeping.

Now that I have told you how a lack of sleep can affect your mind and body I am going to give you a few tips on how to get better sleep!

1. Stick to a schedule. Even if you are on vacation or it is the weekend, make sure that you are going to sleep at the same time every night. But, if you can’t fall asleep after about 15 minutes then get up and do something relaxing. Meditate for a few minutes, read a couple pages of a relaxing book, and then go back to bed once you start feeling relaxed. Stressing about falling asleep can even make it harder to fall asleep.

2. Pay attention to what you are eating a drinking before bed. Try to limit how much you drink in the time before bed so you don’t have the urge to wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. Limit caffeine and nicotine in the hours leading up to bed time as well.

3. Start a bedtime ritual. Take a warm shower/bath, read a book, meditate, listen to music (making sure to have dim lights), but do something that will help relax you. Try not to use the TV or other electronics because the blue lighting does something to your brain to keep you wired and awake.

4. Get comfy!! Make sure your room is cool, have dark shades over the window to keep out ambient lighting, have a bed that is comfortable. Turn your room into a fortress of solitude. A place where as soon as you walk into it you know that sleep is going down!

5. Limit your napping. If you have to take a nap then keep it to only 10-30 minutes. Unless you are a baby or toddler you don’t need more than a 30 minute nap. If you work at night and have to sleep during the day then sleeping during the day is different for you, just make sure you have minimal light in your bedroom.

6. Let’s get physical, physical! Exercising regularly can boost your sleep and help you get deeper asleep at night. Just try not to do it too close to bedtime if you workout later in the day because it can actually wake you up instead.

7. Don’t stress out, man! If you are a constant worrier or constant stressor than that can make your sleep suffer. Get as organized at you can so you can utilize the day to the best you can. Give yourself to take a break. Write down what is stressing you out or worrying you so that you get it off your chest and out of your mind.

Now that you know more about how sleep affects your body and how to get better sleep I hope you utilize as much as you can and get a better nights sleep!

Long car ride and crowded places!

I forgot to post this yesterday, so I am going to post it now.
Sunday night my son spent the night at my moms place and then after me and my dad picked him up Monday morning we decided to extend the drive by 100 miles and head to the Children's Museum of Indianapolis.
It was a long car ride, the drivers of Indianapolis are worse than the drivers of Cincinnati, and the museum was crowded as all get out.
While I had fun there, with what I actually got to see, my son really wasn't feeling it and my dad was in pain by the time we left.
I learned something about myself though.
None of these places I take my son ever really live up to my expectation for how I thought the trip was going to go, or how the place was going to be if it was a new place for us to visit.
As a child I loved going to museums, parks, and zoos. I loved it. I was always able to find something I had missed the time before or I knew exactly what I wanted to see and everything else was just a build up of awesome things until I got to what I really wanted to see.
With my son, not so much.
He knows what he wants to see and he doesn't want to look at ANYTHING except what he wants to see. So, if you are trying to look at something that he isn't interested in for longer than 5-10 seconds then he is going to let you know just how damn bored he is.
It is annoying as all hell.
But, I have learned to go with the flow and get him to chill out for a minute.
Let mommy see some of the things that she likes as we work our way to what it is he wants to see, since we will be there for a while, if it lives up to his expectations.
It works, for the most part.
What doesn't help is when the website, that you have you son look at before you head out there, makes it look like there is a lot of things he would be interested in, and then you get there and 90% of everything is geared for kids under the age of 8.
He did enjoy the aliens and androids exhibit, and I had a few nerd moments there myself.
But, what I learned for the entire thing is, even when it isn't going how you had planned it to go, still find ways to have fun. Enjoy the little things.
While your child may want NOTHING to do with the Terra Cotta Warriors or Dinosaurs just wait until you see the smile on their face when they get to try and work a robotic arm!

Well, maybe my family isn't that nuts after all!

Woke up still feeling like poo, a little worse than yesterday, but started feeling better quicker.
But, shit hit the fan around the building today. Worse than usual.
I slept in because I wasn't feeling good and within 10 minutes of waking up it sounded like WWIII in our upstairs neighbors apartment.
It settled down after about 15 minutes or so, but then picked back up again 3 hours later.
I had gone outside for some air and sun, that always seems to help me feel human when I don't feel good, but all I hear if my upstairs neighbor and across the hall neighbor going at it in the hallway.
So, I open the building door to yell "My kid is in the apartment, you need to stop!"
*info-- upstairs neighbor and across the hall neighbor are brother and sister. upstairs neighbor lives with dad. upstairs neighbor and dad were fighting, sister was protecting/defending dad. sister got upset, sisters boyfriend eventually stepped in and started yelling at brother.
By the time I get back in my apartment my son is in tears because he heard me yelling and didn't know what was going on.
After what we went through living with my aunt in Arizona my son does not handle yelling well at all.
This was pretty much the mood around the building for the next hour or two.
I really can't wait until we can move away from here.
The rest of the day, aside from a quick trip to the store, was me trying to get the living room and bedroom cleaned up and my son packed up so he can spend the night at my mom's tomorrow night.
Even though I am not feeling all that well I am going to help her with some Spring Cleaning before dropping my son off for the night.
I'm looking forward to waking up tomorrow morning and seeing how excited my son is when he sees what the Easter Bunny brought him!!
Everything he got was bought with my Beachbody paycheck!!
Today's "positive" is when everyone's family is acting psycho as shit I can look at mine and realize that, yeah, I have some people I never want to consider family ever again, but I know I can count on my family to be there when I really need them to be. My dad, brother, son, and mom are my foundation and helped mold me into who I am today.

I almost forgot.. WHOOPS!!

*this will be short and sweet tonight*
Today is the first day of Spring Break.
Normally a day that I would be dreading because my son drives me absolutely bonkers on his breaks from school, but today I woke up feeling kinda crappy.
You know, that kinda crappy where you don't feel sick, but you feel run down and just blech.
I was behind on meals, I didn't work out, what I did eat wasn't the best in choices, I really wanted Cheddar Fries... SO BAD, and I rarely moved from my computer chair or the recliner.
But, I did spend a little over an hour and a half playing Mario Kart with my son.
Something that doesn't happen all too often.
Usually because I get bored with it really quickly and my son gets really cocky when he starts winning and it's annoying as hell.
However, it was really fun today!
So, I considered today my "off" day from work and spent time playing with my son.
Hell, most of my SnapChat story today involves him! (mstiana84)
It worked out, not feeling all that well, because I got to spend the day with my lil man.
Half the time when I do have the time to spend it with him he is on his computer and ignoring me, or when I am super busy/distracted is when he wants to spend time with me.
I love my son and today, except for feeling poopy, was perfect.

Take your truancy and suck a big one!

This one is a hard one.
No damn clue how I am going to find the positive today..
I mean, I could stretch it, twist it, flip it, run it over with a car, and MAYBE figure out how to find the positive with what happened today. But, that is my challenge. I usually don't do challenges or dares, because I hate them and think they are asinine. However, knowing why Robb is making me do this is the only reason I agreed to it.
So, here we go.. My shitty horrible negative for the day...
Today was fine in the morning. I got my workout done, even though my shins hurt, and I got my Easter shopping for my son done, since I remembered 10 minutes before I bought anything that I still had to buy it all.
Then I came home and checked the mail.
And I saw a letter from the county with the word "delinquent" stamped on it.
At first I was about to ignore it, because I don't deal with the county when it comes to juvenile courts because my kids stuff is in a different county. I opened the envelope and at first I wasn't sure what the hell I was reading and then it hit me, hard, in the face, like a drunk bitch that thinks you are talking to her man.
I was reported for truancy and being summoned to court.
My child had apparently "missed" 26.5 days of school.
However, the way the school works with tardies is "every 3 tardies counts as 1 unexcused absence." So, with that logic, if he is late to school by 2 minutes, three times, he "misses an entire day of school" when in all actuality he only missed a total of 6 minutes between those three days.
They are claiming that my son has missed TWENTY AND A HALF days of school because he has been tardy.
26.5 days equals, roughly, 143.5 hours.
Only counting the mornings that he has been late he has missed 14.16 hours in roughly seven months of school +/- vacation times.
This is not counting the 3 days that he missed the entire day, but I didn't take him to the DR so there was no DR note. Those 3 day I have no problem with. He had no note to excuse him so yeah, sure.
This also does not count the 6 or 7 times that THE SCHOOL called me in the middle of the day telling me that my son needed to go home, but then still marked it as unexcused.
Um, no.
BYE, FELICIA!!
You told me to come get him.
You, THE SCHOOL, told me to get him!
What gets me... 25 of these "tardies" are 5 minutes or less... Seriously? Of those 3 of them make it to the 5 minute mark, the rest are 2 or 3 minutes.
So, now the fun part.
Turning this clusterfuck of a negative into a positive.
And, after talking to my dad about it I think I was able to......After a few hours of getting really pissed off every time I thought about it.....
I have been on the fence about homeschooling my son all school year. Not only that, we are planning on moving and I have been struggling with the idea of leaving this school district. I didn't want to because up until 5th grade the teachers were AMAZING with my son and helping him with his struggles.
This year, middle school, not so much.
I mean, he does still have teachers that work with him, but a lot of the time he gets the "figure it out yourself" attitude from them, whether they mean it like that or not.
That doesn't work well with my kid.
He shuts down and gives up.
Now, after this letter, and the school waiting until there is only NINE weeks left in the school year I have pretty much decided I want OUT of this district and will be doing more research into homeschooling.
So, in a way this helped me settle some internal struggles with what I want to do when it comes to the move and next school year.
I no longer want anything to do with this school district once this current school year is over.

It's only failure if I give up

I decided to write this one early (well, early compared to the first four I have written).

On Friday it felt like my shin splints were coming back while I was going one of the cardio workouts for my 22 Minute Hard Core workout out, which made me nervous since it hasn't been THAT long since I finally got rid of my shin splints from when I attempted jogging.

So, I took it easy with resistance on Sunday and Monday, I was ok with the cardio Tuesday, and I was ok with the resistance this morning. 

However, a few hours later I started noticing pain in my shins as I was doing my pacing on my crossing guard gig. 

Looks like it is time to fall back on my backup plan.

I mean, that is what a backup plan is for, right? Something to fall back on...

So, I am turning this negative (my possible shin splints) into a positive by doing a second round of 21 Day Fix, maybe a third, and then going back to try 22 Minute Hard Corps again after I drop a little more weight. 

It does NOT mean I failed because I have to go back to a less "intense" workout, it just means that I have to work around what my body can physically handle at this point.

It is only considered a failure if I stop working out and give up completely. 

I will keep up with my clean eating. 

I will go back to doubling up on 21DF workouts when I can.

I will try 22MHC in 3-6 weeks and then HOPEFULLY my shins are ready for the amount of jumping that is needed for Tony Horton's workouts!

I can still do the resistance workouts that don't require jumping, and the core workouts from 22MHC, just to add a little something extra to my workouts. That way I can still look at the eye candy that is Tony Horton.... very easy on the eyes when working out lol.
In the past month and a half, almost two months I have come so far from who I used to be.
I used to be the girl that would eat nothing unless it came from a can or a box, could be heated up in the microwave or quickly on the stove.
Snack cakes were my best friend.
And I got a milkshake every single time I stopped at the ice cream parlor to get my son his weekly ice cream after his karate class.
I never said no to junk food. Food was my best friend.
I also thought that if I went to kickboxing class 3x a week and counted my calories, even though it was all the wrong calories, that I was still going to lose weight. Yet, I never lost more than half a pound in two weeks, and I couldn't understand why I wasn't.
Then I found 21DF and started eating clean and working out 6 days a week. Yes, I have slipped and have had junk food. But, I lost 15 pounds and only gained back 3 or 4 pounds during my 3 day slip-up.
Suffice it to say.. if I have to use my backup plan for a while, then I will. I will use my backup plan until my body is ready for me to move to more intense workout programs.
Because I will NEVER go back to who I was before.
She was tired and unhappy.
I am happier and less tired.

So, this is me refusing to give up, and refusing to let my negative for the day hold me back. 

I am a visual person

Again, today was a day where not much happened.
I got my son to school, pretty much on time, and did my job.
Then I came home and did my work out. I was a little nervous about it this morning though, because on Friday I thought my shin splints were coming back and that is NOT something I want to have to go through again, but I did my Cardio 2 workout with no problem.
I even had a backup plan, just in case I started to feel the pain in my left shin that I felt on Friday. IF I felt the pain I would just wait on the current workout I am doing (22 Minute Hard Corps) and go back to doing 21 Day Fix for another round (or two) until I dropped a little more weight. Maybe I weight too much for the type of cardio I am doing with this one, who knows. But, today was fine. The backup plan is still there, just in case. I will know more Wednesday when I have to do cardio again, since tomorrow is resistance day!
Then I went to the store to get myself a birthday present for myself, Mocking Jay Pt2!!! I also decided to get some jelly bracelets to try something a challenger in my current 21DF challenge group does to keep track of their containers. The portion control container system is color coded... green for veggies, purple for fruits, red for protein, so on and so forth. I printed out sheets to tally off how much of each container I eat with each meal, since I only get so many of each for the day, but there is also an app that can be used. I don't feel like paying for the app.
So, I got jelly bracelets. Every time I look at my right wrist I will physically see what I have left for the day, even when I am out to eat with my dad and son. When I eat a specific type of food I take the corresponding bracelet off. Today was the first day of doing that and it seems to be working well so far.
I have a crap ton of extra bracelets now, since I had to buy 2 packs to get the right amount of the colors I needed, so I decided to use the extra blue ones for my water bottle. I mean, it makes sense, right?
Blue... water...
Each blue bracelet on my water bottle stands for 8 ounces of water. My water bottle holds 2 1/2 cups of water, so each time I finish off the bottler I take 2 bracelets off of it before I fill it back up. Then when all 10 bracelets are off of it I know that I drank around 120 ounces of water. It's not quite as much water as I am supposed to drink at my current weight, but it's enough that I feel like I am swimming by the end of the night.. As I type this at 9:25 p.m. I still have 3 bracelets on my water bottle.. I am not sure I am going to be able to get those three off by the time I go to bed lol. If I do I will be up in the middle of the night running to the bathroom!
I know, I am not posting about the challenge, but there really was nothing "negative" that happened today. Today was a pretty decent day.
I managed to stay in a good mood, and positive, most of the day!
I even tried to help a mom with her car, after my shift during pick up, when her horn decided to start honking out of nowhere! It was so weird... and VERY loud!
So, Robby.. your challenge is becoming challenging to write about and I am only on day four!! :)

Over sleeping, hotdogs, root beer, and karate....

I am only on day three of this challenge and I am quickly learning how little I actually do in my life.
Aside from taking my son to school, doing my crossing guard gig, and taking my son to his karate classes, I don't really do much.
I mean, I am a Beachbody coach, and I am trying to get that up and running, while working on myself, but I mean in regards to actually going out in the world... It doesn't happen...
This challenge I was given by my friend, not naming his name, Robert!, is going to be fun when I am at home for 90% of my day.

Anyways... this morning seemed like it was starting out like a typical day. My alarm clock was going off.. I was ignoring it.. As usual.
I couldn't figure out why my alarm clock was going off so early on a damn Sunday and it was annoying because I had to wake up enough to hit 'snooze' and then roll back over to go back to sleep.
At some point my son asked me if it was Monday and if he should be getting up and getting ready for school, to which I responded "No, it's only Sunday, go back to bed."
He didn't. He got up and got on his computer and started watching cartoons.
I stayed in bed, under my covers, where it was VERY comfortable and warm. And continued to hit 'snooze' on both my phone AND my actual alarm (which I never set on the weekends...........should have been clue number 1) until something told me to look at my fitness tracker on my wrist.
To what to my sleepy eyes should I read but the letters "M-O-N" right next to the number 21....
It was not Sunday at all, but it was Monday and my son was well being "just a few minutes" late for school.
I got he and I ready as quickly as I could, being still have in a dozed out stupor and I got him to school. My son informed me that the school secretary already doesn't like him because he is always running late, because we always over sleep, so I nicely said "Tell her to shove it" and told him I loved him and would see him when he got picked up after school.
I got my really quick grocery trip done to pick up my dad some more lunch meat, came home and did my workout.
Then after my son got picked up from school I did my crossing guard gig, and we went to opening day at our favorite place to eat in the spring and summer (since those are the only 2 seasons this place is open) and had the best root beer, hot dogs, and extra salty popcorn that could be had. The boy had karate a little later in the day, which went well, they are learning how to flip people in self defense right now, and then we came home.
I have to say... nothing really happened today that I consider a negative.
On a day where I get to over sleep and don't miss a seriously important meeting or phone call.... I consider that a win. If my son was late to school and missed music class big whoop. I'm not going to stress about that.
So, I am at a loss as to what happened today, that I considered negative, that I need to find the positive in.
Today was a good day. It was a really good day.
I mean, my son was whiny, but that is an almost every day thing. It comes with the territory with ADHD, ODD, and anxiety... I just deal with it and tell him to breath and speak without whining.
Maybe tomorrow I will have something that needed to be spun into a positive.. but, today way positive from the moment I finally realized it was actually Monday.

You're going the wrong way... Motards!!!

Today was not a very active day. I only left the house twice: once to go to the grocery store to get my son the slice of cheesecake I promised him last night and then to go to dinner when my dad got home from work.
Other than leaving the house I did my work out, played on the computer for a little bit, fell asleep in the recliner while attempting to watch TV, and then dealt with an extra whiny child.
At the store I was met with the annoying "lets drive the wrong way down the one way aisle" drivers, you know the ones that I am talking about. They don't care that the aisles are made to be driven down only one way, they want to go a certain way, so they are going to go that way, even if it is against the flow of traffic, and they are going to insist that you get out of their way so they can make it down to the opposite end and keep the pattern going until they find the parking spot they want, and then they will pull in at a weird and stupid angle, where they are barely in, but it's good enough for them.
If you can't tell, it annoys the ever loving piss out of me. Even walking into the store I looked at my son and said to myself "No way in hell am I even going to attempt to turn this shit into a positive!" to which my son replied "Yeah, it's got to be really hard for people like you. I mean, you really just really don't like most people. Where, people like me, can find the positive in most things, most of the time, you just hate everything." Sadly, my kid was spot on. I don't leave the house often because, as a whole, society pisses me off.
Then we get home and I notice that my son threw away 1/4 loaf of bread. When I ask him about it he tells me it was because the bread was dry, so I point out that it is because he doesn't close the bag the right way, then I show him how to close it so the bread doesn't dry out. Which instantly started him in on telling me that I am "making fun of him" and am "being really mean" which being accused of something I am not doing makes me want to do what I was not doing, simple because I was being accused of it.
If anything today showed me that I really need to work on my patience. While I know there are stupid drivers out there, there is also nothing I can do about them. The only thing I can do is focus on myself and what I am doing on the road. I can keep myself and whoever I have in my car safe while I follow the rules of the road (or the parking lot). When it comes to dealing with my son, when he thinks I am being mean, when I am not even raising my voice and only trying to show him how to do something differently I need to take a step back and breath before I continue, because it will eventually get to the point where I do become mean, only because I have become frustrated. I also need to learn to take a step back, breath, and reassess the situation.

It's my birthday and I want to party

So, today is my birthday. I am 32 years young. Nothing new with this birthday. I woke up, made breakfast, got my son squared away so he could ignore me as he got sucked into the little world he is creating on his computer, and I checked things on my phone and computer.
Except, this morning I had to reschedule my birthday party because my best friend's health isn't doing so well.
My party was to be held at her house, since she is a neat freak and her place is the cleanest one I could think of I immediately thought of her apartment when I thought of where I could hold my "adults only" birthday party.
The party had been up in the air though this past week because my best friend spent all of last weekend in the hospital deal with a pretty serious physical issue. As we hoped she would get better, she seemed to be getting worse. That being said I decided to post-pone my party and let my friend focus on her health instead of feeling bad thinking she upset me because of having to post-pone my party.
Normally, this is something I would have thought of as a negative. Another birthday party, or birthDAY that did not go as planned. This seems to be a running thing with me. Not one single birthday, that I can remember, has ever gone the way I planned it. However, I am now to find the positive in every thing that I think is a negative.
My positive (out of a negative) is that even though my birthday party got postponed I was able to go out to diner with my dad and my son for my birthday, which I would have missed had I gone to my "adults only" birthday party instead, and I was able to meet up with a friend that I had not seen in almost a year and have a drink or two with her while we caught up with each other for about two hours.
It is not often that I get "adult time" away from my son, because I don't have a babysitter and don't like asking my dad to watch my son very often, but it was nice, even if only for 2 hours and 15 minutes, to go to the pub and spend some time with a friend that I have known since middle school. This also took some stress and pressure off my best friend since she didn't have to worry about a group of people coming to her home for a few hours, while she felt like shit, and gave her more time to rest and take care of herself. I hope she starts to feel better soon as well!!

Challenge....... Accepted?

So my friend Robb noticed something on my facebook posts recently........and called me out for it. While they are positive posts, since I am working on losing weight and bettering myself, there is an underlying tone that he figured I was not aware of... So he called me out on it.Even though I am posting positive things I am also putting myself down at the same time.

Honestly, not something I realized I was doing, but it makes sense. I've been doing it my entire life. It was ingrained in my brain at a young age by certain family members and neighborhood kids that I was not a "worth while" person, so I tend to look at myself like I am a hot mess that constantly needs to change to be better, or accepted.

So, Robb has challenged me, starting tomorrow on my 32nd birthday, to spend my entire 32nd year of life finding the positive in EVERYTHING that I think is negative. If something happens that I think is negative, then I have to find the positive in it. If I hear something I think is negative, then I have to find a way to see a positive in it.You get the idea.

From March 19th, 2016 until March 19th, 2017 I have to find positives in EVERY SINGLE THING that I think is negative.

Because in Robb's words (but paraphrased because I don't remember everything because I don't always pay 100% attention, still love you though Robb) "You are not a mess that needs to change. You are already awesome, You are just trying to improve on yourself."

I told Robb I was reading personal development books, something I already knew I needed to do for myself, but also something I need to do as a Beachbody coach, but I also admitted I don't do the "homework" in the book, which of course he called me out on also, so I am adding that to this challenge. When I read my PD and come across the "homework" I will do it as soon as I get to it, and not when I finish the book like I originally planned. I will also go back to the book I already finished and do the "homework" in that one since I never did it.... :D

And because I know the few of you that actually read this will be as curious as Robb about whether or not I stick to it I am going to blog about it! At the end of the night I will write about my day and the "negative" that I turned into a positive.

Feel free to call me out if I miss a day as well, because I am positive that it will happen. I know myself very well.

*Ps.. getting called out on stuff like this is what happens when you have known someone for 25 years.......

Is it really that time again?

Is it really February again?
I mean, could it really, honestly and truly, be February again?
Why does this month have to keep showing up.
Every single year.
Like clock work.
To remind me of the single hardest thing I have ever had to do.
Losing custody of my son for six long years was hard, painful, agonizing, and torture. But, I got him back.
This, there is no "getting back".
There is only waiting.


And waiting some more.

I have been pretty patient too. It's been 10 years (well, it will be 10 years in 3 weeks) since I placed my youngest child with her parents. Ten years since I had to say good-bye. Ten years of pictures and a short letter telling me a quick little update on how she is doing, what she likes, and what she does outside of school. Ten years of having to call the adoption lawyer to see if this is the year that they are comfortable with emailing me directly so I don't have to keep going through the lawyer to have contact with them. Ten years of being told "No, they still are not comfortable with that yet."
It's been 10 years. I am not changing my mind and taking her away from them. I just want what was promised to me.
Contact.
For an open adoption it feels pretty damned closed to me.
I told them I wanted pictures and letters every year, they agreed, I get pictures once a year with a short letter included.
I told them I wanted her to know who she is, they agreed, they tell me she knows she is adopted and tells people (proudly) that she is from Ohio.
I told them I wanted her to know her birth family, they agreed, but other than knowing she is from Ohio I have no idea how much she knows.
I told them I wanted to see her again before she was old enough to remember me and get confused, they agreed, yet I have not see her since they left with her when she was 6 1/2 days old.
I told them I wanted to be able to communicate with them as often as possible, they agreed, and this has not happened.
Starting when she turned seven I wrote a letter before her birthday and would send pictures, a link to this blog, and ask if we could start to email each other. Each time I would get a "thank you" for the pictures and a  "no thank you" for the emails.
I don't regret my choice in find her the new parents. I talk about it in this blog about why I chose adoption.
I just go through the motions during this month. I start out angry, then I get depressed, then I come to terms with it and am fine until February rolls around again. Some days I go through the motions all in one day. It all depends. On the rare occasion I get lucky and forget what month it is. I love those days. I long for those days.
I do know that my daughter is smart, beautiful, strong, independent, talented, and an all out amazing young lady. She has to be. She is a part of me. I just want her to know how much I love her, think about her, miss her, and want to talk to her.
One day.
Until then I am at the mercy of her parents.

Someone Like You

I know I don't post a new blog very often, but when I do it is because I felt compelled and needed to get things off my chest and out of my mind.
Tonight while taking a shower after my kickboxing class I was thinking about two women I look up to, women I don't know personally but follow online, women who I aspire to be like when I "grow up". I say "grow up" because I actually think I am older than both of them. Anyways, getting off on a small tangent I am, I started following Whitney Thore and Tess Holliday on Instagram and Facebook sometime in early 2015 because they are both plus sized women who don't take crap from any one, they don't let their size hold them back, and they fight for equality for women (and men) of all shapes, sizes, colors, whatever. I thought that was pretty damn amazing.
As some of you know I have struggled with my weight my entire life, but I have also struggled with liking myself my entire life. And when I say "struggled with" I mean I don't like myself. I like bits and pieces. I like my personality. I like my eyes. I like my hair color (not my natural hair color). That is pretty much about it. I tug at my clothes to make sure that all the rolls and imperfections are covered and not accentuated. I try to only wear shirts that are long enough to cover my c-section "apron" and in the colder weather I pretty much live in hoodies. When I workout in kickboxing class, walking, or jogging I am always readjusting my clothes.
I don't like what I see when I look in the mirror and, oh hell, if there happens to be a full body picture taken of me. I don't even like a picture taken of me unless from a high angle to hide the fact that my chin goes straight into my neck, but I still have a double chin. Yet, there are days, and I REALLY love these days, where I look in the mirror and I think "not too damn bad Tiana" and I snap a few selfies. The majority of the time my selfies have me making some weird ass face too, I don't tend to make "normal" faces when I take a picture of myself. I will share a "normal" and "typical" selfie of me below before I continue.

This would be a "typical" selfie of mine

This would be a "normal" selfie for me



But, I digress. I follow Whitney and Tess because of their confidence, their message, and their "take no BS" attitude. Which is something I have always wanted, wish I had, and struggled with. Just recently, I want to say in the past 3 or 4 months I started the journey to work on that with myself. I started watching what I eat (which I have done in the past, but taking it more serious), I am working out more (again, in the past, more serious now), and joined a group online with other women working on their physical health as well.
Late fall 2015 I started "teaching" myself how to jog (running is a long way off), as well as the kickboxing class I have been attending since early 2015, and was loving it, something I never thought I would say, and was sharing my journey with the other women in my group. I was taking selfies during my jog, making my typical "oh lort kill me" faces, and sharing my story. I was getting called names I had never been called before EVER in my life. They were calling me an inspiration and a role model and someone to look up to. I didn't know how to handle seeing those words on my computer screen. I have never had anyone, ever, say those things to me. It made me feel great. It made me want to do my workouts more, post more, talk more, get my story out there more. I started to feel like my role models, even if only with a small group of people.
Then five weeks into my new workout regime I started feeling pain in my legs during my jogs. I had shin splints. I couldn't jog unless I wanted to cause more damage. As I started posting less I started to slip back into my old mindset about myself. Then after a few weeks (about 3 or 4) the women started asking me where I was and why I wasn't posting anything. The only excuse I had was "I have shin splints". I could have done different workouts or something, but I just didn't do anything. I slipped back into my comforts. I ate like crap, I started thinking negatively about myself, and I just went into a slump for a few weeks.
The entire time this was going on I was still seeing Tess and Whitney's posts about living their dreams and spreading their message and I would think to myself "how am I supposed to be like them when I grow up if I don't learn to love and accept myself first." So I pulled up my boot straps and started going back to my kickboxing classes and posting my journey. It may not be much, but every class I take, every post I make, I start to feel like I am inching closer and closer to feeling like I am becoming more like my idols.
I may never touch as many lives as Tess and Whitney, I understand that and am ok with that, I actually am very uncomfortable with attention on me (I know that is part of my lack of confidence) but just knowing that there is a handful of women out there I am helping makes me feel amazing.

**A Letter to Tess and Whitney**
You don't know me, and you may never see this, but I wanted to write you this to end my blog. Both of you strong, beautiful, independent women are an inspiration to me. I am proud to have you as my role models. You have no idea how much you both have touched my life and changed how I see myself and the things that are possible for me.
To Whitney,
I first saw "fat girl dancing" and didn't see a fat girl but an amazing dancer who was oozing with pride and a love of what she was doing. It wasn't until the end of the video that I noticed I was crying. Then it hit me "I want to be like her". I want to be free and comfortable like you. Free to be me. Free to do what I love and not worry or care what other people think about me because I am happy and doing what makes me happy. Then your TV show came out and I saw you. The every day you. The you that struggles just like the rest of us and it made me love you even more. It made you my idol even more. Even through the haters and the negative people you still love yourself and fight every day to spread your message to stop the body shamming so people like me stop feeling the way we do. I can not thank you enough for that.
To Tess,
I will admit, I really didn't know who you were until I saw an article about you becoming the first plus size professional model and I knew I had to find out more about you. You have such an organic and classic beauty about you, a grace. You also fight for the same thing as Whitney, for people to stop shamming and putting down us big girls and to understand that size does not, in any way, determine beauty. Then I found you on IG and saw that you were a mother, like me, and fought HARD to get to where you were, to provide for your son, to better your self and your life. For everything you are and do, I thank you, from the bottom of my heart