I blame everyone except myself

Nothing makes me feel more inadequate as an adult than my math class does. I may be taking this class as a college student, but it is not a college math class. I am taking, pretty much, a middle school math class. For the last four weeks I have been learning how to do long division, add/subtract fraction, multiply/divide fractions, turn an improper fraction into a mixed number, turn a mixed number into an improper fraction, solve for area/perimeter of a rectangle, area of a triangle, convert a decimal to a fraction, and faction to decimal. This is all shit I should have learned over 15 years ago, yet I am learning them now. I don't even know my time tables and I still use my fingers for addition and subtraction. I am almost 29 but I feel like a dumbass. I know why I never learned this stuff when I should have, and its not my fault at all. It is part my mothers fault, part my school districts fault, and part my teachers fault.

As you guys know I have a son with ADHD and ODD. As I have watched my son through the years and seen the result of his struggles in school before we knew what was going on it got me thinking. I remember acting and feeling almost exactly like my son. There are slight differences as well. My son acted out in school before we got his diagnosis, whereas I was quiet in school and out of control at home. Also, being in the 90s when your kid did bad in school it was accounted for as they just didn't care and was a lazy student. I got detention almost every single day in 5th grade because I never turned in my homework. I am positive that I had ADHD as a kid, yet I was only diagnosed with it two months ago. My mom never had me tested, my school never had me tested, and my teacher just gave up on trying to explain math (or anything else) to me. I learned early on that the majority of my teachers just didn't care about helping me. No matter how many times I asked for help they never took the time to ask me for help. I had a summer school tutor that helped a little and a neighbor tried to help but that was it. I would barely pass math class and got shuffled on to the next level every year. When I say barely I mean I had the lowest possible grade to pass the class and I think that was just to get me out of the class. I had one math teacher admit that to me in high school.

My high school math teacher had me my freshman year and I failed the entire year with an F. I would ask him for help almost every day, but he would reexplain it exactly how he did it on the board or how the book said to do it. Never once did he try to explain it a different way to see if that would help me understand. After failing it my freshman year I had to repeat and, guess what, I got the same damn teacher. I completely gave up as soon as I saw he was my teacher again. If he couldn't help me the year before why should I trust that he was going to help me at all. I was failing with an F, but he gave me the lowest possible passing grade to make sure I didn't repeat and have him again. I dropped out of high school that summer.

When I was 16 I was on probation and during one of the classes I had to go to my mom ended up talking to another probationers mom. They were talking about how the ladies son was ODD and how she had found this book to read and suggested my mom read it. That damn book became my moms bible for how to understand, handle, and deal with me. My mom swore that I had ODD because of how I acted my entire childhood. I was angry, I yelled a lot, I would throw things when I was pissed, and I treated my mom like shit. I do not believe at all that I had ODD. I was, in fact, a very pissed off kid. I was pissed off because I was doing horrible in school and couldn't get the help needed to do better. I was pissed because my moms family treated me like shit and my mom never did anything to stop it. I would beg my mom to have me tested for a learning disability and once the school said no she would stop pursuing. I was pissed at my mom. I blamed everything on my mom. My mom never protected me the way a mother did when it came to her family. My mom, however, did go off on the staff at my school multiple times when they screwed up. For instance, I failed freshman English but the school didn't notice it until three weeks into my sophomore year. They pulled me out of my class and put me in freshman English, with my brother! My mom cussed the school out and gave me permission to skip that class until the school came up with an alternate solution.

After I had myself tested, two months ago, and I was diagnosed with adult ADHD I was talking to my mom about it. I told her that I was positive I had been ADHD since I was a little kid. My mom agreed with me and said she always knew I was. When I asked her why she never had me tested for it then her response pissed me off even more, "You were ODD as well and I couldn't get you to take the medication you were already on so what was the point in wasting money on more medication?" I wanted to scream so bad when she said that. I was SIXTEEN before the thought of me being ODD ever entered her mind and it was because of that damn book she read. The book was suggested by another mom, not a freaking doctor, a MOM! There were YEARS before I was 16 that I begged for days on end to be tested for anything. I wanted to know why I could not learn, understand, remember, or concentrate on anything in school.

I do not blame myself, at all, for not knowing how to do the math I am learning now. I do not blame myself because I did all I thought I could do by asking my mom to help me and get me tested. My mother ignored my requests, the school assumed I was lazy and a bad student, and my teachers couldn't be bothered to teach me. So now, at almost 29, I only have a middle school understanding of math. It is a struggle, but I am finally starting to understand this stuff. One of these days I won't have to look at my notes and will just remember how to solve the problems.

I must be dreaming

I always knew that writing a book was not going to be an easy thing, but I decided to tackle the challenge anyways. Being a published author has always, and I mean always, been a dream of mine. I had a poem published when I was 13, but it was in a book of poems written by kids 4-14 so that doesn't count for me since they probably accepted anything that was sent in. I wanted to be able to write something that meant a lot to me, get it published, and have it sold on the shelves of Barnes and Nobles. No matter what I was going to make that happen. I want to get my story out there. I have been through a lot and I want to share that. I want my book to help other people.

My first step was to write a blog and see how people accepted my writing. I have been writing on this blog for over a year now and I am not seeing the results I was hoping to see. I only have 3 followers, barely 3,000 page views, and no one comments on anything I write to give me some feedback. After a while I start to see other moms with their blogs and getting mass swarms of people reading them and sharing the blogs. Then to add salt to my wounds people are nominating blogs for these "who's is better" type of blog contests and my blog never gets mentioned. So I decided to start looking at the other blogs to see what I was doing differently. What did I notice? I am not as funny as the other blogs. I don't have cute made up words that people use in their everyday language. I don't have funny stories to share. I am just me, talking about my life. I was a little crushed and terrified to work on my book.

However, I did eventually started to see people telling me that they could relate to what I was talking about and telling me they couldn't wait to see more. People actually cared about what I had to say and wanted to know more about me and what I was going through. So I finally started to work on my book. I thought I could just take my old blog post and make them chapters in my book. Yet, the more I thought about it the less that made sense. Why would people want to buy my book if over half of it was being shared online for the entire world to see? Why would they want to buy the cow when they were already getting the milk? So, I took the blog posts down and changed the chapters by taking out and adding different things. Those that already read the blogs would see parts of the blog posts, but there would be enough differences that it would not be the same thing.

Recently I edited the first draft of my book and as I was editing it I started to think my book was absolute crap. I talked to another mommy blogger who has self published her own book and took her advice. I sent a few people a few chapters of my book to read them and give me their feedback. I was completely expecting at least a few people to tell me that what they read sucked but they kept telling me they loved what they read and couldn't wait to see more. Like any normal person, you know the ones that have no social life and barely ever leave the house, I spent 12 hours editing my entire book and making the changes on the computer. I took out an entire chapter, added two new ones, and added more information and "meat" to what I already had. I even asked permission from the people I mentioned in the book to use their names. Everyone gave me permission except one. One had his wife threaten to sue me if I used ANYTHING from our relationship in the book. Did I take out everything about him or did I just change it to where you would never have any idea who he was? I decided that since I said nothing about him that could allow people to recognize him off the street I was going to keep that information in the book and just use a different name for him.

My dream of being a published author keeps getting closer and closer. I can't believe it. I just have to get my book to where I think it can't be any better. Then the hard decision comes. Do I self publish or try to find a publisher to print my book? That is something I am not going to worry about right now. I still have a while before I need to worry about that. I cannot believe that in a year or so I will have a book, written by me and about me, that is published and being sold.

I am noticing a pattern

I decided since I got the cajones to start a conversation with the guy I liked that it was time for me to list my ex boyfriends.  I wanted to put down how they abused me, what attracted me to them, and when it started to go downhill. I noticed that there is a certain type of guy I am attracted to. I am learning what type of guy I need to take more caution in and possibly stay away from. I recommend all girls that have been in bad relationships do this. We always become attracted to the same type of guy and the spiral just keeps going.

Boyfriends and their forms of abuse:

1.       David C-(emotional) abandoned me when I needed him the most. Lead me on.

2.       Chris S- (emotional) ignored me when I was around him. Cheated on me.

3.       James- (emotional) used me. Ignored me. Cheated on me. Used me for sex.

4.       Joe- (emotional) treated me like dirt, would call me names, got very close to physically abusing me.

5.       David H- (emotional, financially) Left me when I was three weeks pregnant. Came and went when he wanted. Would brag about new girlfriends. Cheated on me. Walked out on our marriage for another woman.

6.       Sam J- (emotionally, verbally, financially) verbally abused me. Drank heavily. Lied all the time. Was jealous of my son. Controlling. Guilt me into spending money on him. Broke up with me three to five times a week. Tried to keep me from being friends with guys. Told me he would leave me if I didn’t do what he said or what he wanted when he wanted/said it. Tried to destroy my relationship with my best friend. 

What attracted me to each boyfriend:

1.       David C- He was Asian, very good looking, extremely sweet. He dealt with my mood swings. He was in the Navy.

2.       Chris S- He showed me attention and I was lonely and wanted to be with someone.

3.       James- He showed me attention ad I was lonely and wanted to be with someone.

4.       Joe- He was attractive and knew what to say and when to say it.

5.       David H- He had long hair. Dressed like a cowboy. Gave me complete attention in the start. Told me exactly what I wanted to hear. The sex was amazing.

6.       Sam J- Very good looking. Covered in tattoos. The girls at school ranked him as top 2 in their hottest guy in school list. 

When in the relationship it went downhill:

1.       David C- 4 and a half years

2.       Chris S- two months

3.       James- one month

4.       Joe- two weeks

5.       David H- three weeks (every time we tried to work things out)

6.       Sam J- Day one

Boyfriends 1,2,3,4,6 all had short brown hair

Boyfriends 3,4,6 all had the N.J “Guido” look to them

Boyfriends 2,3,4,5,6 all had tattoos                                 

Boyfriends 1,2,3,4,5,6 were all thinner than me

I think way too much and doubt too much.

I am not a fan of being single, but there are days that I really hate it. Those days tend to come around more when I see brides and their entourages walking around the town I live in. I just happen to live in the BIGGEST bridal town in the entire state of Ohio, and possibly North America. I can drive two blocks down the street and get smacked in the face with wedding dresses, bakeries, tuxedo shops, lingerie,  and car service companies.  I can be minding my own business and not thinking about being single, then I get stuck at a red light and become surrounded by shops with beautiful wedding dresses in the windows and brides walking into the shops for their fittings.

I put on this front that I am happy being single, that it doesn't bother me that everyone around me is in a relationship. It really does bother me. I have not been in a relationship for three and a half years. Its not like this is something new. However, there are days where I just feel lonely. I miss having that one guy I know I can depend on. I miss knowing I have a shoulder to cry on when I need it. I miss feeling protected and loved (although that was rare even when I was in a relationship). I miss feeling like I am worth being with.

I can't bring myself to actually start dating again though. I have built up such strong and tall walls after my last two relationships ended. My ex husband was never there for me emotionally and my ex boyfriend was emotionally and verbally abusive. I don't trust guys right now. However, I opened myself up twice about two and a half years ago. That was big for me. One of the guys I was interested in just saw me as a friend. It, most likely, didn't help that I was 26 and he was 19. He is adorable and he made me laugh every time I talked to him; I am happy that I can still call him a friend as well. The second guy was 21 and I worked with him. He knew I liked him as well. He agreed to go to a ball game with me, but as soon I left the job we worked at he pretended like he didn't know me. Not something that helps me break down those walls.

Now that I am going to school again I see guys that I find attractive and would love to get to know, but there is always something keeping me from even attempting to talk to them. Most of the time it is myself keeping me from talking to them. It is doubt. A few things are constantly going through my head: Will they judge me on my weight? Would it bother them that I am divorced? Will they run away when they find out I have a son? Will I say something that makes me sound like a jack ass?

I am only 29 (in two months) so its not really a big deal that I am single, I have plenty of life ahead of me to find someone. However, I want to add to my family. I want another kid. I have also set a limit for myself. I do not want to have another kid after I hit a certain age. Maybe its because I set an expiration date on when I want to have a kid that is making it harder for me to find a relationship. They always say that love finds you when you stop looking for it. I have stopped looking for it, but I think about it. Can thinking about it make it as hard to find as searching for it can? Have I set myself up for failure? Will my luck make it to where I will find love after I hit that age where it is too late for me to want another kid? Am I just thinking to much about everything? Is it normal to feel this much doubt about finding love when its been years since I have been in a relationship?

Flunking out of school leads to ADHD.. Who would have guessed it.

For the past 7 or so years I have been struggling to get my associates degree. I have had one road block after another but ended up keeping me from getting past a second semester at every college I tried going to. Then I started going to an online college when I lived out in Arizona. I had road block after road block try to keep me from school. I moved 4 times in seven and a half months from one shelter to the other (different blog). No matter how hard I studied for tests I just couldn't get my grades to stay up. I had to repeat three of my classes multiple times because I could not pass them. I didn't know why I could take a class three times and still have no clue what they were talking about. It was frustrating. After just over 2 years with this school, the lost I have EVER been with a school I get an email telling me they were flunking me out of the college. I was devastated.

I refused to give up though. I enrolled for a local college and got the ball rolling on that. Then I got to thinking. My son has ADHD and when he was diagnosed they told me it was hereditary. Hmm.. I started thinking about when I was in grade school and all my struggles with college. Maybe when everyone told me that I had a reading comprehension problem it was actually more than that. I have always said my mind felt like it was constantly on shuffle. I could never concentrate on anything, my mind wandered, when I would be reading for school I'm reading but thinking about other things at the same time. I was never able to fully concentrate in class. The only way I could study was if I had music on, LOUD, while I was studying. If it was quiet I was always somewhere else in my mind. So I decided to get myself tested for ADHD. Sure enough, I have it and there is a very good chance I have had it my entire life.

I couldn't start medication for it right away though. My Dr wanted to clear some things with a Cardiologist I saw when I lived in AZ first. So after giving him a month to get things squared away I was given the prescription for my medication. That first day I noticed a different. I could sit still and focus. However, I was focusing too hard. It felt like I was stuck on what I was doing and couldn't move on. I was talking to a friend of mine and what he told me made a lot of sense. For 28 years my mind was used to thinking one way and the medication was making it think a different way. I had to retrain my brain.

I start school again in two days and I feel confident that I am going to be able to concentrate in class and on my homework now. Nothing is going to stop me. I am going to use every tool that is offered to me for having ADHD. I know what is going on with me and knowing that is such an amazing feeling. Its not that I will never be able to do what I need to do, it was I was mentally unable to do it before, and now I know I CAN do it. I am so excited to start this new chapter of my life the right way. I will never look at my struggles with school before this as something negative. Those years of struggles are what I needed to go through to get to this point in my life. Maybe I wasn't meant to be successful in school until now. I know for a fact that with the degree I want I would not have been able to use it effectively if I had gotten it 2 years ago, 5 years ago, or 7 years ago. I am now at a point where my struggles and my degree, when I get it, are going to make it to where I can do so much and go so far. For the first time in my life I feel confident that I can go for a Masters degree and not just an Associates degree.