Normally, in February, I write a letter to my daughter for her birthday, but this year I am doing it a little differently. I am writing the letter to her parents.
Dear S. and L.,
I've been going over in my head what I wanted to say in this letter, and all I can think of is; I'm heart broken. I still remember the day I met you two. It was February 17th, and you were in town to meet another birth mom, but were interested in potentially meeting other moms who were due sooner, so my lawyer had you meet me. The second I met you both I felt an instant connection to the both of you. I had felt at ease, and a sense of comfort that I had not felt since I made the decision to look for adoptive parents for my daughter, just seven weeks earlier. I had made a promise to her, to myself, and to God, that if I had not found her parents by the time I had my first contraction that I was going to keep her and do everything in my power to give her and my son the best possible life I could give them.
After you met me you went and met the other birth mom. Then a few hours later my lawyer called me and said that you told her there was something about me that you really connected with, and would love to raise my daughter. And I felt the same about you to. I remember thinking that S. was like a giant teddy bear that you could just cuddle up with and L. just oozed "mom". Later that night I started having contractions. I found out two days later at my doctors appointment that I was in labor.
I never told you two this, but originally I wanted a closed adoption. She was to stay in the nursery, where you two would visit her, and no one would come to my room except my mom and my son. However, that all changed in the recovery room when they left her in there with me. They pushed her bassinet behind my head so I couldn't see her, but she was crying, and as a mom I couldn't just let her cry, so I used every ounce of strength I had to grab as much of her swaddled blanket as I could to pull her over to me, praying I wouldn't drop her, so I could comfort her. I did my best to not look at her, but I couldn't help myself, and I snuck a peak, and that was when it all changed. I went from wanting a closed adoption to wanting an open adoption, and the three of you spent as much time in my room as possible, and I got to know you even more. I felt like you were becoming a part of my family, and I thought you felt the same way. I told you two everything about me, my hopes, my dreams, everything.
She will be 13 this year, and three years ago you two cut off communication with me, and I don't know why. In the hospital, before you took her home, you made a promise to me, and you broke that promise. It's a promise I have thought about every single day since the day I said good-bye to her.
Do you remember that promise?
You promised to keep open communication with me.
You promised to send me pictures twice a year.
You promised that once she was old enough to understand that she was adopted, and without being confused, that I could see her.
You promised to keep me informed.
For 10 years all communication was 90% one sided, only once a year, and through the lawyers officer. You would send letters and pictures to the lawyer, who would in turn have me pick it up, or mail it to me. Then I would have to do the same. But as soon as the lawyer found out you were still doing it that way TEN years later, she told you that you had to start emailing me directly and I never heard another word from you. I remember around the time our daughter turned seven I had asked you if I could start emailing you, to make it easier on the both of us, and you said you were "scared" to do that. Scared of what? Scared that I would change my mind about the adoption? Seven years later? Or scared that I would be some crazy psycho that would try and find where you lived?
Pictures twice a year, that stopped when she turned one. Then I got a years worth of pictures once a year, when I got my letter, which was never very long anyways. I haven't seen what she looks like since she turned 10, and she will be a teenager in a weeks time.
Getting to see her once she was old enough to not be confused? That time has since long passed. According to you, she's known shes adopted and tells people she is adopted and born in Ohio. So either that is a lie and you don't want me to know that she doesn't actually know, or you're scared she might want a relationship with me.
You've broken my heart and taken a piece of my soul away from me; and I can't figure out why. All I wanted was the open adoption you promised me. To stay a part of my daughters life through letters, emails, pictures, and the occasional visit when she was old enough. Then took away from me. And there is nothing I can do about it.
I thought I had found family oriented, trust worthy people to raise my daughter. But, now I just feel like I found two people who were so desperate to start a family they were going to tell the hormonal, emotionally vulnerable, pregnant 21 year old anything they had to to get their child.
I love my daughter and think about her every single day. That is the one thing you will never be able to take away from me.