What is my reoccurring nightmare?

When I was little I had a reaccuring nightmare where I was a princess (just like most little girls) but I was being chased by a killer. The building we were in was made completely out of glass and all the walls were shorter than 3 feet. So every room I would run through to get away from the killer was not as safe as I wanted it to be. As I ran into each room and shut the door behind me the killer would.just jump over the wall. There never seemed to be a way for me to get away from him. It felt like I was running away from him forever. He never got close enough to grab me, but he was close enough that I was scared out of my mind. I would have this dream almost weekly for 4 or 5 years.

Now as an adult I don't so much have a reaccuring nightmare but I have a reaccuring fear. I keep imagining that my son is going to grow to hate me. I do not feel that I am a bad mom, but I know I could be a better mom. My son knows I am there for him, but I also get irritated when I hear my name being called every five seconds and I may snap a little more than I should. So that turns into a fear that as he grows older he will turn his love for me into resentment. I do what I can with as little as I have. We are poor, but I don't want him to feel like a poor kid but he does. I have over heard him telling people "we are poor" or "my mommy has no money"

So there is no reaccuring nightmare as an adult, but there is the reaccuring 'day'mare.

Have I ever had a gay moment?

I am not sure if I ever have. I do find some girls attractive, but have never been turned on by a girl. I have wondered if being with a girl would be better than being with a guy. That may just be because every single guy I have ever been with was a loser and a waste of my time. I promised to be honest when people ask me these questions for my blog, so here is me being honest. I have wondered what kissing another girl would be like. Are their lips softer? Do they understand how I want to be kissed better? Do they treat their girl friends better than guys do? Would it be worth my time to experiment? I have never, and probably will never, act on these questions but I have asked myself these questions none the less.

I went to this school in Cincinnati where I lived in the dorm for 9 months. It was for 16-24 year olds. From my knowledge there were 5-10 gay girls. One of them was a good friend of mine and she was gay. She was sweet, funny, and could make the boys look weak. I used to tell her that if I was gay I'd ask her out. I called her my straight girl crush. I remember when she got her nipples pierced she asked me if I wanted to see. I said sure, one because I had never sen pierced nipper and was curious and the second was to see if my body would have any reaction to naked girl boons staring me in the face. I looked, got embarrassed that I looked, said cool, and never thought of it again. To me that settled the questions I had. I looked, I liked, I was straight.

When I get pissed at men I think I just need to go gay, but I never do. :) I for one am not convinced that being with a girl would be any different than being with a guy, aside from the obvious difference with the sex.

My son is driving me nuts

I love my son dearly, but there are days where I really want to scream at him and ask him where the hell my sweet little baby went! Today is one of those days. Mommy is already tired and I don't want to hear snarky "I'm the boss of my life" comments coming out of the mouth of a seven year old. Yet this seems perfectly acceptable to my son. 

He knows the rules when he comes home from school he does a page from his homework packet BEFORE he gets to watch tv or play on the computer. Well, Mommy was nice and decided that since he was hungry and wanted to eat that I would allow him ONE 15 minutes episode of Mighty B. Well he was fine with that. So when I hear the music at the end of the show I tell him to come out and do his homework. he decided he is going to stand next to Papaw and talk to Papaw about the game on the computer. 

I. Do. Not. Think. So. Little. Man. I tell him to stop talking about the game and start his homework now or he is grounded. So he gets his homework and stares at it like it the hardest thing he has ever attempted to try. 17-4-4-3+? ...... REALLY?? A kid who loves math and wants to go to school for only math is pretending to have a freak out over this math question. I ask him, what is 17-4? I get the following as his answer: 4, 5, 12, 16, 18, 19... I even put up four fingers and tell him to count DOWN from 17 so I hear, 18 and 19 but NOT 16 come out of his mouth. I ask him AGAIN to count down and explain that 18 is counting up. So he stares at me like I am speaking Latin. I tell him to answer the question or lose the computer and tv for the night. He decides to fall over like I just murdered him in cold blood by daring to take the tv away from him. 

This is fun now, I tell him that he is grounded from electronics for the night and he runs to the room and throws himself on the bed. I go grab the Wii remote (he only watched Netflix through the Wii in the bedroom) and bring it out with me. Now all the sudden he is the sweetest damn kid in the entire world but still refuses to do any homework. Fine by me little man, if you want to fail second grade for being hard headed then GO FOR IT!

Mommy is not going to fight with you over your homework, I will just make your life a living hell. You will do all the cleaning that I was supposed to do today and I will require a smile on your face at all times. So be prepared to pick up the living room and bedroom floor, sweeping both, and doing the dishes!

February is NOT my month

It has been a few days since I have posted a blog. Mainly because I can not think of anything to talk about. I have been in a funk lately where I do not care about anything. I know why I am in the funk, I just wish one of these years I can get past it. Six years and 18 days ago I had a beautiful little girl. 7 pounds 8 ounces, 20 1/2 inches long, blonde hair, blue eyes, and being adopted. I was not able to take care of her, I didn't want her to have the live I was able to provide for her, and I wanted her to have the best of everything. I talked about the adoption in a previous blog a few weeks ago. I miss her like crazy. There is never a day that goes by that I do not think of her at least once. There are days where I can think of her and smile. Then there are days where I think of her and I want to curl up in bed and cry myself to sleep. The month of February seems to be a cry myself to sleep every night kind of month. Yet, I can not do that. I can not cry myself to sleep if I do not want to wake up my son and have him worried that mommy is sad. So I suppress the need and want to cry.

I feel like I am alone in this as well. Yes, I know I am not the only woman out there that has ever put a child up for adoption, but I do not personally know anyone that has done this. My parents have different feelings on the whole thing. My mom was supportive and proud of me for making this decision. My dad was resentful and refused to listen to me talk about her for the first year of her life. I am able to talk about her around him now, but I can see it in his face that he wishes the subject was never brought up. I am sure if I had other birth mom to talk to and spend time with then I would have an easier time dealing with everything. For an entire week after she was born I did nothing but cry. I knew what I did was the best thing, but I hated myself for not being able to provide for her. I would mentally kick myself in the ass for everything. As time went on it got a little easier to 'deal', but I never really mourned her. I know some of you are thinking why I chose the word mourn. She is not dead, she is alive and well. But the definition of mourn is: to feel or express sorrow or grief over a loss. I have never grieved over the loss of my chance to raise my own daughter. I have never grieved the adoption. I have told myself I have dealt with it and moved on, but then February come back around and I feel like this all over again. To be honest I am not sure how to mourn, grieve, or move on. All I know is I can not wait until this month is over so I can feel like I am back to normal.