February is NOT my month

It has been a few days since I have posted a blog. Mainly because I can not think of anything to talk about. I have been in a funk lately where I do not care about anything. I know why I am in the funk, I just wish one of these years I can get past it. Six years and 18 days ago I had a beautiful little girl. 7 pounds 8 ounces, 20 1/2 inches long, blonde hair, blue eyes, and being adopted. I was not able to take care of her, I didn't want her to have the live I was able to provide for her, and I wanted her to have the best of everything. I talked about the adoption in a previous blog a few weeks ago. I miss her like crazy. There is never a day that goes by that I do not think of her at least once. There are days where I can think of her and smile. Then there are days where I think of her and I want to curl up in bed and cry myself to sleep. The month of February seems to be a cry myself to sleep every night kind of month. Yet, I can not do that. I can not cry myself to sleep if I do not want to wake up my son and have him worried that mommy is sad. So I suppress the need and want to cry.

I feel like I am alone in this as well. Yes, I know I am not the only woman out there that has ever put a child up for adoption, but I do not personally know anyone that has done this. My parents have different feelings on the whole thing. My mom was supportive and proud of me for making this decision. My dad was resentful and refused to listen to me talk about her for the first year of her life. I am able to talk about her around him now, but I can see it in his face that he wishes the subject was never brought up. I am sure if I had other birth mom to talk to and spend time with then I would have an easier time dealing with everything. For an entire week after she was born I did nothing but cry. I knew what I did was the best thing, but I hated myself for not being able to provide for her. I would mentally kick myself in the ass for everything. As time went on it got a little easier to 'deal', but I never really mourned her. I know some of you are thinking why I chose the word mourn. She is not dead, she is alive and well. But the definition of mourn is: to feel or express sorrow or grief over a loss. I have never grieved over the loss of my chance to raise my own daughter. I have never grieved the adoption. I have told myself I have dealt with it and moved on, but then February come back around and I feel like this all over again. To be honest I am not sure how to mourn, grieve, or move on. All I know is I can not wait until this month is over so I can feel like I am back to normal.