I just did something I have been wanting to do for a while, but couldn't bring myself to do.
I put together a CD of pictures for my daughter and wrote her parents a letter. This isn't the first letter I have written them, maybe the 3rd or 4th, but this is the first time I have gotten pictures together to send them.
I have talked about doing it in the past, but couldn't bring myself to actually do it.
My daughter will be 9 next month and I haven't seen her since she was 7 days old.
I knew when I decided to place her for adoption that I was doing the best possible thing I could for her, but it doesn't get any easier over time.
I still think about her daily and still cry myself to sleep from time to time.
I was 22 when I had her.
You all already know the story, since I have written about it before here and here. But for those of you that are new to reading my blog I will quickly talk about it.
I was 21 when I got pregnant with my daughter, and just shy of a month before my 22nd birthday when I had her. I already had an 18 month old at home by the time my daughter was born, I didn't have custody of my son and was terrified the state was going to take my daughter away as well. I had no job, no car, no income of any kind, no insurance, and I wasn't sure I was able to raise two babies. Even though I didn't have custody of my son at the time, my parents did, I still lived at home and shared a room with my son. His dad was in and out of the picture and I wasn't positive on who was the father of my daughter. I didn't want her to be raised by a woman who didn't have her life together, still had the mentality of a high school student, couldn't support herself let alone her kids, and had to depend on the people around her and the government to put food in her child bellies. I knew I wanted something more for my daughter.
It wasn't until seven weeks before my due date that I finally decided that I wanted to look into adoption.
I hadn't fully made up my mind yet, but I knew the second I met the lawyer that it was what I wanted to do. Just like I knew the second I met my daughters parents that they were who were meant to raise her.
Anyways. My original plan was to never met my daughter and to not have anything to do with her parents after I picked them. My daughter was to stay in the nursery and her parents were to visit with her there until we left the hospital. I wanted nothing to do with any of them, for fear I would change my mind.
That never happened. I fell in love with my daughter and I fell in love with her parents.
I wanted to know them for as long as and as quickly as I could.
Her parents were amazing people and were so kind to me and my family. They fit perfectly into my family.
I also knew that I no longer wanted a closed adoption like I originally planned. I wanted the adoption to be open. I wanted pictures and open communication. I wanted to be able to meet my daughter again before she turned 18. I wanted to be a part of her life even if she would only ever know me as a distant friend. I wanted to be able to write her and her parents and have them write me as well.
I told my lawyer what I wanted, I told my daughters parents what I wanted, and every one agreed that this was something we could do.
I got part of that.
For the first year I got pictures almost monthly with a short letter about how my daughter was doing. After she turned one I got pictures once a year with a short letter. My request to go see my daughter for her first birthday was turned down, which I assumed it was because they were scared I would change my mind about the adoption and want her back, which I understood and didn't press further. I have NEVER considered backing out on the adoption. I wouldn't have it in my heart to do something like that to them.
Then it got to the point where the pictures and letter wouldn't come until a few months after I called my lawyer asking them to contact my daughters parents and ask for pictures. Once or twice I have had my lawyers office forward an email asking if it would be ok to correspond through email, instead of the lawyer, thinking it would make it easier to send pictures and updates, but those were turned down every time and I was told "they aren't comfortable with that." Which I found odd because we agreed to keep the adoption open and communicate with each other.
A few months ago I had to call the adoption lawyers office and update my number and email with them and I brought up how after almost 9 years I am still having to go through them to get pictures. The lady I talked to mentioned that by now they are usually no longer involved in the communication process and she found it odd that I still had to go through them.
If I had known 9 years ago that it was going to be like this I would have stuck with my original plan.
This is so hard for me knowing what we agreed on and comparing that to what is actually happening. Which is why it has been so hard for me to put together the pictures.
I have been told by my daughters parents that she knows she is adopted and that she knows about me, but I don't feel like that is the truth. I just hope and pray that they know that even though I want nothing more than to be a part of her life, that I would never try to take away what they have with her.
I may have given birth to her, but they are her parents. They have raised her and provided her with everything that I couldn't. I just want to be a part of her life and know her. I want her to know where she comes from. I want her to be able to look at pictures of my family and say "Ok, that is where my nose comes from." Or "I make the same faces as them." Her parents will always be her parents, but she is connected to so many people by birth and I want her to be able to see that through pictures.
I want her to know that I loved her so much that I wanted the best for her and made the hardest decision of my life to be able to give that to her. This adoption was not because I didn't want another child. I wanted her more than anything. She was and always will be my baby. I love her so much that it hurts. I made the choice to give her a new family out of unwavering love. She has another set of grandparents that love her. Another aunt and uncle that love her. A baby cousin that will know about her and love her. A brother that can't wait until he gets to meet her. She has a whole 2nd family just by sharing DNA with us.
Her parents are such a blessing to my life. I don't think they know that. If it was not for them I have no idea where me and my kids would be today. Her parents are angels to me. My life was blessed the second I met them.
I think that by accepting that her parents may still be afraid I will try and take her back, and that it is what I do on my end that will count the most, it made it a little easier for me to put the CD together. Even if the CD gets in her parents hands and they never show it to her I know I did my part, but I pray she gets to see them. My daughter is blessed to be where she is, and I know they will raise her into an incredible woman. One day she is going to want to know where she comes from. I so very much look forward to that day.