Fat Bitch!

"Fat bitch!"
Those two words were yelled at me while I was working. I am a crossing guard and I was in the middle of a crosswalk, holding up my stop sign, waiting for kids to safely get across the street, when a big 4 door black truck drives past me and the words "fat bitch" were yelled out the window at me.
The man (immature man child) that yelled those two words does not know me at all, yet felt compelled to yelled those two words at me. Two words that I have heard a thousand times over since I was a teenager.
As an adult those words never affected me very often, but sometimes they do hit a nerve, and today they did. I stood there finishing my shift trying not to cry. Trying to figure out why a complete stranger felt the need to put me down. I did nothing to him, but he needed to make me feel bad in that exact moment.
What he doesn't know is I already know I am fat.
I have been fat since I hit puberty, this is nothing new to me.
Another thing he doesn't know is I am trying to change that. I am taking kickboxing classes three times a week, I started the C25K program recently, and I stopped drinking pop. I am in a 40 day accountability weight-loss group.
I already mentally beat myself up when there is a gain on the scale and not a loss.I already compare myself to the other people in my kickboxing class. I already think I look like a sack of potatoes when I am jogging. BUT! I keep going at it because I know eventually, and sooner than later, I am going to get better at it, I am going to gain more confidence, I am going to feel like a freaking champion. All because I kept at it and got stronger both physically and mentally.
I am sick and tired, though, of people feeling like they have a right to try and put down and make another person feel bad about who they are and how they look because they look different. I am sick and tired of the fat shamming and body shamming. I am sick and tired of people feeling like they can yell those nasty, mean, words at me from the cowardly safety of their truck as they drive past me!
YOU DO NOT KNOW ME!
You can't even say it to my face!
You can't even stop and say it.
You have to keep driving and say it in passing.
I will not let your words stop me.
I will let your words assist me in my push to bettering my life.
Your nasty words that hurt me for 10 minutes will now fuel my fire.

To home school or not to home school....... That is the question!

When I was pregnant with my son I wanted to either home school him or get him into a Montessori school. Montessori was out of the question once I found out the only one near me was $3,000 a year. I couldn't afford that, especially not after my sons dad walked out on us. Home schooling quickly got put on the back burner as well because I found myself as a single mom and had to work and wouldn't have enough time to dedicate my attention to my sons education.
He has been in public school since preschool, but now that he is about to finish 5th grade the idea of home schooling has popped back up. My son struggled in 1st grade since we moved 4 times through the school year, he struggled with 2nd grade until we had him tested and found out he had ADHD, he did great with 3rd and 4th grade since he was on medication that helped him focus and concentrate on school. Then we get to 5th grade.
He has been struggling all year. He went from 2 years in a row being on A/B honor roll to having Cs and Ds on each report card. He knows the information he is supposed to be learning but either won't get the homework done or won't get the work done at school because of his anxiety. On top of having ADHD he also has ODD and anxiety. This is not a fun combination for any child. I learned earlier in the year that ADHD, ODD, and anxiety combined can mimic asperger's (which I had him test for mid school year).
My son has a 504 plan that requires he be allot one break in the morning, one break in the afternoon, and a snack when needed. These three things have worked the past 2 school years to keep him calm and focused. This year..... this year that is barely working. He is more anxious, more distracted, and more easily upset by his classmates.
He is very "by the book" and if his classmates are acting out, causing problems, taking the teachers focus away from teaching, etc. then he gets very anxious and at times has anxiety attacks and needs to leave the room.
There was one week where he had gotten sick and missed almost a week of school. I called the school and asked for the work he had missed over the week so he could do them at home and get caught up. What I was not expecting was about 50 sheets of school work. No, not all of that was what he was missing during the week. 45 of those 50 sheets were "in class" assignments his teachers had failed to get him to complete at school. "His breaks and distractions are making it almost impossible to get him to focus and do his work" is pretty much the gist of what his teachers told me.
I tell every teacher at the start of the year "what ever he does not finish in class... send it home with his homework and I will make him complete it." Every year this never happens until the pile of incomplete work is too big to be done in one night with his homework.
I have gotten more emails and phone calls from his teachers this year than in the past 3 years combined. I have gotten more calls from the school nurse about my son being in her office in tears than I have in the past three years. Then my son informs me last night that his teachers told him that middle school will not tolerate his poor handwriting (still almost illegible) and they will not be as lenient on the breaks he needs outside his 504 plan like they are in 5th grade.
Knowing my son has anxiety they add on unnecessary anxiety about middle school. My son loves school, even though he struggles with it, and he loves seeing his friends every day. But, when my son is bringing up the idea of home schooling because of the stress and anxiety of this past year, plus what he is anxious about and fear for next year, then I know something is going on.
Now, I plan on spending the summer looking up the pros and cons of home schooling, plus talking to the people my son sees at Children's for his ADHD and anxiety, and figuring out what will be best for my child.
I don't have a lot of patience, but if I have to pull it out of my ass to home school my son, to emotionally and mentally help my son, then by god I will do it!
I am so tired of seeing my son broken and beaten down, on the verge of tears, every single time I pick him up from school.

To My Daughter

Today was the day I look forward to each year.
The day I got pictures of you in the mail and an update letter from your parents.
This day, as is every year, was one of the best days.
I love seeing how much you grow each year, seeing how much you look like your brother, and reading how well you are doing in life.
This year was better than the past eight year though. For this year I saw a little bit of myself in your face.
I have always struggled seeing myself in you, especially when my friends point out that you look just like me. Finally, this year, I saw a small glimpse of myself. This year, as well, your brother saw himself in you.
As much as I can't wait until we meet again, your brother can't wait to meet your either.
You both met the day you were born. You, just a few hours old, and your brother, a few days shy of turning 19 months old.
There are days your brother likes talking about having a sister. Then, there are days it breaks his heart. I keep telling him "She will come back into your life when the time is right, until then just love her from afar."
I keep trying to write you a letter. To tell you how much I love you. Hard as I try, I can't seem to do it. Next to placing you with your parents writing you a letter is one of the hardest things I could ever do.
I always have so many things to say, but when I sit to put pen to paper everything leaves my mind.
Just know, no matter what, you are always in my heart, my mind, my spirit, and my soul.
I will end this now with a poem your parents included in the letter they sent me

Legacy of an adopted child
(by unknown)
Once there were two women
Who never knew each other.
One you do not remember,
The other you call mother.
Two different lives
Shaped to make yours one.
Once became your guiding star,
The other became your sun.
The first gave you life
And the second taught you to live it.
The first gave you a need for love
And the second was there to give it.
One gave you a nationality,
The other gave you a name.
One gave you a seed of talent,
The other gave you aim.
One gave you emotions,
The other calmed your fears.
One saw your first sweet smile,
The other dried your tears.
One gave you up ---
It was all that she could do.
The other prayed for a child
And God led her straight to you.
And now you ask me
Through your tears,
The age-old question
Through the years:
Heredity or environment
Which are you the product of?
Neither, my darling --- neither,
Just two different kinds of love.

I may not have you, but you are always in my heart.

I just did something I have been wanting to do for a while, but couldn't bring myself to do.
I put together a CD of pictures for my daughter and wrote her parents a letter. This isn't the first letter I have written them, maybe the 3rd or 4th, but this is the first time I have gotten pictures together to send them.
I have talked about doing it in the past, but couldn't bring myself to actually do it.
My daughter will be 9 next month and I haven't seen her since she was 7 days old.
I knew when I decided to place her for adoption that I was doing the best possible thing I could for her, but it doesn't get any easier over time.
I still think about her daily and still cry myself to sleep from time to time.
I was 22 when I had her.
You all already know the story, since I have written about it before here and here. But for those of you that are new to reading my blog I will quickly talk about it.
I was 21 when I got pregnant with my daughter, and just shy of a month before my 22nd birthday when I had her. I already had an 18 month old at home by the time my daughter was born, I didn't have custody of my son and was terrified the state was going to take my daughter away as well. I had no job, no car, no income of any kind, no insurance, and I wasn't sure I was able to raise two babies. Even though I didn't have custody of my son at the time, my parents did, I still lived at home and shared a room with my son. His dad was in and out of the picture and I wasn't positive on who was the father of my daughter. I didn't want her to be raised by a woman who didn't have her life together, still had the mentality of a high school student, couldn't support herself let alone her kids, and had to depend on the people around her and the government to put food in her child bellies. I knew I wanted something more for my daughter.
It wasn't until seven weeks before my due date that I finally decided that I wanted to look into adoption.
I hadn't fully made up my mind yet, but I knew the second I met the lawyer that it was what I wanted to do. Just like I knew the second I met my daughters parents that they were who were meant to raise her.
Anyways. My original plan was to never met my daughter and to not have anything to do with her parents after I picked them. My daughter was to stay in the nursery and her parents were to visit with her there until we left the hospital. I wanted nothing to do with any of them, for fear I would change my mind.
That never happened. I fell in love with my daughter and I fell in love with her parents.
I wanted to know them for as long as and as quickly as I could.
Her parents were amazing people and were so kind to me and my family. They fit perfectly into my family.
I also knew that I no longer wanted a closed adoption like I originally planned. I wanted the adoption to be open. I wanted pictures and open communication. I wanted to be able to meet my daughter again before she turned 18. I wanted to be a part of her life even if she would only ever know me as a distant friend. I wanted to be able to write her and her parents and have them write me as well.
I told my lawyer what I wanted, I told my daughters parents what I wanted, and every one agreed that this was something we could do.
I got part of that.
For the first year I got pictures almost monthly with a short letter about how my daughter was doing. After she turned one I got pictures once a year with a short letter. My request to go see my daughter for her first birthday was turned down, which I assumed it was because they were scared I would change my mind about the adoption and want her back, which I understood and didn't press further. I have NEVER considered backing out on the adoption. I wouldn't have it in my heart to do something like that to them.
Then it got to the point where the pictures and letter wouldn't come until a few months after I called my lawyer asking them to contact my daughters parents and ask for pictures. Once or twice I have had my lawyers office forward an email asking if it would be ok to correspond through email, instead of the lawyer, thinking it would make it easier to send pictures and updates, but those were turned down every time and I was told "they aren't comfortable with that." Which I found odd because we agreed to keep the adoption open and communicate with each other.
A few months ago I had to call the adoption lawyers office and update my number and email with them and I brought up how after almost 9 years I am still having to go through them to get pictures. The lady I talked to mentioned that by now they are usually no longer involved in the communication process and she found it odd that I still had to go through them.
If I had known 9 years ago that it was going to be like this I would have stuck with my original plan.
This is so hard for me knowing what we agreed on and comparing that to what is actually happening. Which is why it has been so hard for me to put together the pictures.
I have been told by my daughters parents that she knows she is adopted and that she knows about me, but I don't feel like that is the truth. I just hope and pray that they know that even though I want nothing more than to be a part of her life, that I would never try to take away what they have with her.
I may have given birth to her, but they are her parents. They have raised her and provided her with everything that I couldn't. I just want to be a part of her life and know her. I want her to know where she comes from. I want her to be able to look at pictures of my family and say "Ok, that is where my nose comes from." Or "I make the same faces as them." Her parents will always be her parents, but she is connected to so many people by birth and I want her to be able to see that through pictures.
I want her to know that I loved her so much that I wanted the best for her and made the hardest decision of my life to be able to give that to her. This adoption was not because I didn't want another child. I wanted her more than anything. She was and always will be my baby. I love her so much that it hurts. I made the choice to give her a new family out of unwavering love. She has another set of grandparents that love her. Another aunt and uncle that love her. A baby cousin that will know about her and love her. A brother that can't wait until he gets to meet her. She has a whole 2nd family just by sharing DNA with us.
Her parents are such a blessing to my life. I don't think they know that. If it was not for them I have no idea where me and my kids would be today. Her parents are angels to me. My life was blessed the second I met them.
I think that by accepting that her parents may still be afraid I will try and take her back, and that it is what I do on my end that will count the most, it made it a little easier for me to put the CD together. Even if the CD gets in her parents hands and they never show it to her I know I did my part, but I pray she gets to see them. My daughter is blessed to be where she is, and I know they will raise her into an incredible woman. One day she is going to want to know where she comes from. I so very much look forward to that day.