My family isn't like that, at all. I don't really talk to anyone on my dads side of my family, and besides my dads mom I haven't seen any of them in a few years. My moms side of the family....... previous blogs have explained why I will have nothing to do with any of them. But, the one I always wanted to be the closest to was my brother.
I used to imagine that as we grew older our bond would stay strong. We would hang out together, our kids would grow up closely, etc. That is not the case and it breaks my heart.
I wasn't the best sister growing up. When we were younger I always wanted to do what he was doing, play outside with him and his friends, protect him, guide him, etc. Then around the time I was 13 our whole dynamic changed. I started to become very depressed because of what I was going through, I was angry at everyone, and I took it out on my brother. There was a lot of jealousy too.
I was jealous that my moms side of the family treated him completely different than they treated me, I was pissed at my mom for not defending me, I didn't want to do anything except stay in my room or hang out with my friends, when they could be bothered to spend time with me. No matter what I did I couldn't get my mom and her family to treat me the way they treated my brother. So, logically, I would fight with my brother and act out more and more. I wanted to make him feel as miserable as the rest of the family made me feel. If he got an amazing gift for his birthday or Christmas, where I would get lectured for being the black sheep, then I would break his gift. If he got praise for doing well in school, where I would struggle to get a "D" then lectured because I needed to "work harder like my brother" then I would terrorize him until it ended up in a fist fight or me throwing the cordless phone and remotes at his head.
Don't get me wrong, I loved my brother more than anything. I still do. Even though I am the eldest I have always looked up to my brother. Where I struggled with making friends, keeping on top of things, saving money, and doing well in school he always had it easier. He could sleep through class and pass, always had friends around him at school and coming over to our house, he had his shit together by the time he was 16.
I didn't know how to handle my emotions growing up. I was taught by my mom, be it intentional or not, that you internalize your emotions. If it is something you can't handle then you "lift it to God and let go." If that didn't work then you shopped and spent money you didn't have until you felt better.
I know this isn't painting my mom in the best light, but how she made me feel, unfortunately, ties in with how I felt about my brother growing up. My mom and I fought a lot growing up, she would vent to her mom and sisters about what I was doing, how I was treating her, how I was acting in school, and how I treated my brother. Which, in turn, made her mom and sisters treat me worse than my brother and made them lecture her about how she was failing as a parent with me.
My brother took what I did to him in stride. That is until I was 18 and he was 16. We had to share a car, but I had gotten kicked out of the house for trying to fight with my dad. Sharing a car when we lived 15 minutes apart was a challenge, especially since he was in school. His use of the car came first. There was one day where I went somewhere with him and one of his friends and we started to get into an argument over the car as my brother was taking me to my apartment. I told him to take me back to the house so I could talk to our dad and get use of the car for that night and the next day. My brother refused to take me home, telling me to call our dad and talk to him about it over the phone, and drove me home. I refused to get out of the car and leveraged myself in the car so he couldn't pull me out of the car. After five minutes of us screaming at each other, my brother trying his damnedest to pull me out of the car, and his dickhead of a friend laughing his ass off in the back seat, the entire dynamic of our relationship changed. My brother sucker punched me square in the face. I am screaming at my brother, then all of the sudden I am bleeding profusely from the nose. I had blood everywhere and my gums had been ripped from my tooth in one spot. I screamed "TAKE ME TO DAD NOW!!!" and for the next 15 minutes I am in the car with my brother and his friend laughing and making fun of me.
My mom refused to let me call the cops and press charges, my dad was just pissed at the entire situation. I can't blame him. They don't say "hindsight is 20/20" for no reason. I should have just gotten out of the car and called my dad from my apartment.
The next day my mom told me to do what I felt necessary. So, I went to the police, filed a report, and told them I wanted to press charges. I ended up disappointing both of my parents with that. I just had my brother arrested. We went through mediation for months after that.
While our relationship did start to get better over the years, I ruined chances of us being as close as I wanted.
When I moved to Arizona in 2009 I asked my brother to go to lunch with me so I could get some things off my chest before I left. I spent the next hour apologizing, explaining why I treated him the way I did while we were growing up, and that I was always jealous of him. I remember him saying "why were you jealous of me? I was jealous of you." That took me aback. I never thought of there being a possibility of my brother being jealous of me.
After the lunch I felt a lot better about our relationship and the hope of us being able to rebuild the bond we had when we were little, before all the drama and teen angst. We still aren't where I want us, but I will take what I can get at this point. I still have issues with my brother, mainly the fact that he still talks to three family members that treated me like shit and made me feel like the most worthless piece of shit growing up. He knows how I feel about them and the fact that he still talks to them. I know that he didn't have the same experience with them that I did. Not even close. Completely different. But, it still hurts that he talks to the three people that hurt me more than anyone.
I just pray that as we continue to grow and age that our relationship will continue to get better. Now that we both have kids I want us to be able to spend time together so our kids can grow up in each other lives, even though there is a 10 year age difference between them.
 |
| Me and my brother. I think he was 3 and I was 4 1/2 |
 |
| Me and my brother at his wedding in 2009 |
No comments:
Post a Comment