Are you sure you see me here??

My entire life I was the odd kid out. I have been shy for as long as I can remember. I am not big on talking to people I don't know. And I do not make friends easily. Once I make a friend and I get used to them I am a completely different person. I can open up, I can let lose (to an extent) and I have no problem being close to myself.

I got picked on a bullied a lot growing up because of how I acted, dressed, looked, and everything else under the sun. I always felt like the few friends I had were "to your face" friends, but that it was completely different behind my back or if I wasn't around. They would talk to me in school, a few would call me outside of school, two would hang out with me on the weekends and during breaks.

If I had a birthday party I would invite all my friends but none of them would show up 90% of the time. There were a few parties where people did show up and those meant the world to me. My 16th birthday, as an example, my friends planned a surprise party for me. They "kidnapped" me at my house. They put a blind fold on me and shoved me in the truck. Then they took me out to eat at Subway. I knew where we were because of the smell, but they kept the blind fold on me and shove me in the bathroom. Then about 3 minutes later they let me out and there was cake and presents on a few of the tables. They knew that was my favorite place to eat back then. Then after that they blindfolded me again and took me somewhere else. They took me to the skating rink. A lot of them loved to roller skate, but they knew I was horrible at it so they all made sure that they helped me out and got me comfortable. That was an amazing birthday.

Then when I dropped out of high school a week before my Junior year all except one stopped talking to me. One even turned against me and would treat me like absolute dirt every time she saw me and would tell me that I just ruined my life. They when I got pregnant at 19 she treated me worse. The one that stuck around has been my best friend since I was 14 and she was 13. Our friendship is going on 14 1/2 years now.

In August of 2009 I moved to a different state to get away from an ex boyfriend. I lost the comfort of having friends to talk to and hang out with. I was alone with an aunt that was more abusive than the boyfriend. I started college out there almost right away too. I would have kids I would talk to in class, but that was about it. All the kids were 18 and fresh out of high school and here I was at 25 with a 5 year old kid. We didn't have much in common with each other at all. When I started working there would be people I would talk to at work, but it never went past that.

Finally in March 2011 I moved home. Everything was different though. I was living 40 minutes away from where I grew up and my friends were. My best friend had her second child and was planning her wedding. She was spending more time with her other friends. I just lived too far away for us to hang out like we used to. We used to be connected at the hip. We still talk. We text a few times a week. I see her every once in a while. We send each other stuff on facebook. She is like a sister to me and always will be, but things are different. As it should be expected when you move a 4 day drive away.

With me not having my own transportation or money I have always felt like its a burden on people to want to spend time with me. I can't go and do the things they like unless they are willing to pick me up and pay for me. I can't go to them, they have to come to me. I feel like I have to invite myself to certain things. Or push people to come to something I am trying to do.

Now I am dealing with trying to make new friends.  I have lived in this town going on two years now. I must be wearing a sign that reads "Don't speak to me. I don't want friends. I am secretly a bitch. I hate all people, that includes you. I am younger than you. And you must pretend to be so cool you can't talk to me." because none of the moms even attempt to say more than "HI" to me, and that is as we pass each other when picking up/dropping off our kids. I have even gone out of my way to say things to these moms before and I get the whole "Cool kids" response. They look at me weird, reply, then turn their back to me, or just pretend I'm not there. I have never had an easy time making friends, but I have never gotten the cold shoulder from moms for two years in a row before. Its hard enough that I don't have friends, but they way they treat me prevents me from trying to set up 'play dates' for Elijah. The one mom that seems like she would be a good friend only speaks ASL, she has no speech at all. That makes it kinda tricky. I know "Hi, my name is _____" and "stupid pig" in ASL. Can't really repeat those over and over without her thinking I have lost my mind now can I? 

I thought cliques were bad in high school. They are TEN TIMES worse when it comes to moms. Maybe its because their kids grew up together and only being here two years I am still "new" and they don't want to talk to the new mom. Or maybe they are threatened that they are all in mid-late 30s and I am still in my 20s. Maybe they don't take pity on the "poor" mom. Or maybe I just ooze pure awesome and they are intimidated by my "so much awesomer (yes I said it) than you" oozyness. 

I mean I really do try to talk to the other moms during class parties or PTO meetings, but it gets passed over real quick. All the other moms text each other, call each other, are facebook friends, their kids hang out together all the time, they ride share with each other, and I have yet to see an "outsider" join their club. Our kids have been in the same classes with each other since 1st grade, but I am still on the outside looking in.

One of these days it won't be such a challenge for me to make friends. At least that is what I am hoping for.